I fear death. Or even the remote possibility of it. I don't know if I want to live forever, but I am darn sure that I don't want to die right now. And a few days from now, I will be under anaesthesia, on the operation table. My brain hasn't been functioning normally for the past few days.
Fear. Its amazing how this little emotion can affect me so much. I guess one reason why I am so afraid to die is because I feel like I haven't lived enough, taken enough risks, tried, failed, hurt, laughed enough.
I've been looking at everything around me with this sense of temporariness. And to feel that moment. Live in that moment. Not dwell on it. Not hanging on to it. Just live in that moment.
I've became more open to risks. I've allowed myself to look at things outside of my normal, really safe box. So, in a sense, I've got that risks streak running through me again.
The last time I had that risk streak, I found me a husband.
Walking out of a long-term relationship was scary, especially when your then partner was a genuinely good man. I'd been used to the comfort that long-term, stable relationship provided. By the time I was out, I hadn't dated a man in a long time. I had been out of the scene for years. I didn't want to get hurt, I didn't want to be used. I didn't want a hell lot of things. And I was scared as hell.
There were so many 'what ifs' in my head. Like what if I never find anyone? What if I just have bad relationships one after another, blah, blah, blah.
I got so scared I actually acted fearless, crazy. I had nothing to lose. So, I took risks. I did what ever I wanted to do, said whatever I wanted to say. It worked.
And now, I have that same fear. What is it that I want to do if tomorrow never comes? What is that I want to be if there are no consequences?
Fear. Its amazing how this little emotion can affect me so much. I guess one reason why I am so afraid to die is because I feel like I haven't lived enough, taken enough risks, tried, failed, hurt, laughed enough.
I've been looking at everything around me with this sense of temporariness. And to feel that moment. Live in that moment. Not dwell on it. Not hanging on to it. Just live in that moment.
I've became more open to risks. I've allowed myself to look at things outside of my normal, really safe box. So, in a sense, I've got that risks streak running through me again.
The last time I had that risk streak, I found me a husband.
Walking out of a long-term relationship was scary, especially when your then partner was a genuinely good man. I'd been used to the comfort that long-term, stable relationship provided. By the time I was out, I hadn't dated a man in a long time. I had been out of the scene for years. I didn't want to get hurt, I didn't want to be used. I didn't want a hell lot of things. And I was scared as hell.
There were so many 'what ifs' in my head. Like what if I never find anyone? What if I just have bad relationships one after another, blah, blah, blah.
I got so scared I actually acted fearless, crazy. I had nothing to lose. So, I took risks. I did what ever I wanted to do, said whatever I wanted to say. It worked.
And now, I have that same fear. What is it that I want to do if tomorrow never comes? What is that I want to be if there are no consequences?
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