A friend's call woke me up this early.
Just before I woke up, I had this dream of an evil snake-woman had swallowed up all the men in town and proudly declared that there was just one man left. She thought she had won. Then we all found ourselves at this election campaign filled with men in Delhi. She gave me the funniest look ever - hordes of thousands of men, who'd want to eat all that up? And how?
I couldn't help laughing as I opened my eyes. Poor snake-woman. Evil aside. That's gonna take her a long, long time.
"Hey, morning!" I half-laughed into the phone, "Why so early?"
And then I heard her. Same story. "So, what should I do?" she asked as she did a hundred times before. "Get out. Fast." I replied, as I've always replied. But we both knew that she was never going to listen. It was just going to go over her head as always. She was in love. And that just meant trouble.
As I went into the taxi, I couldn't help but wonder - why are we women so stupid? Why do we fall for someone who we can see from a mile away, is nothing but trouble? This must be the one flaw that God has given us, so we never reach our true potential. We are such a sucker for the wrong kind of love.
Is it the drama? Is it the challenge? Is it the excitement? Why do we always want to do the exact same thing we forbidden to do?
Most of my body scars are caused exactly by that - doing exactly something I was forbidden to do. Be it climbing the cliff I was told not to, standing too close to our gardener while he cut the grasses, throwing stones at the large beehive I was told to avoid, plucking flowers behind the barbed wires although we had the same flowers at home. The forbidden. The untouchables. The out-of-bounds.
Were my actions some sort of rebellion against authority? Was it because I hate taking orders?
And then, there's the matter of hearts. Aah, the mother of stupidity.
We all think that we could control our hearts. Theoretically, we should, right?
But the dang whispers and whining are always just there below the surface. We make up our minds to close our hearts, to not let them get through. And we walk out the door feeling powerful and strong. As if we have locked our hearts away inside a metre thick iron wall.
And then they smile at you, or say something nice or do something as simple as looking at you in the eye. Just like that, all the walls melt away. Back to square one.
We're just so useless. Of all the things in the world, we only want that single thing we shouldn't. The very thing we knew, is just going to create chaos and pain. Yet, we still go for it. It always start with a simple, "I wish he acknowledge me" and then when he does, we want more. "I wish he smiles at me."
And then he smiles. For a few hours or a day, our hearts soar up. We float on air, walking on clouds. Then we come back wanting more. "I wish he talks to me" and then when he does it all, we even want more, "I wish he loves me".
That's the trouble isn't it? Wishing for someone to love you. Love you enough to give up everything for you. Want you enough to risk it all for you. Wishing for him to want you as much as you do. Because by then, you know in your heart, that you will walk to the ends of the earth for this man. If only he asks you to. If only he gives you half as much.
But he won't. You see, men drew their line sharp right at the beginning of the marathon. They have told you what they would do and won't. And you, you still went ahead because you so desperately wanted him to be a part of you. You settled. You convinced yourself that even if you got a piece of him, you'd be satisfied. It would do.
No, the heart is never satisfied with just a piece. No matter what, if you really, really love someone, you want it all. Every bit of the man. The good, the bad, the ugly. All of him.
But, he won't give you that. Coz he's not as stupid as you are - wearing your entire heart on your sleeves. Is it really his fault? He did warn you, didn't he not? So, why should you cry? Why should your heart break now?
So you want to get out. But by then, you have invested so much of yourself, you don't know who you'll be without him. You've already learnt seeing yourself through his eyes that you feel like you're not good enough. You're afraid to put yourself out there again, risk it once more with a stranger who could be worse than this man you love but only knows how to break your heart.
You're filled with insecurities. Filled with guilt. You don't want to give up because you've fought so hard for this. You don't want that energy to go to waste. What if you could salvage just a bit of it? What if you could rebuild this? You know it in your head that there only leads to one destination. But you refuse to accept. You are afraid to jump out of this train because everything else looks alien to you from the inside. Maybe you could convince the driver. Maybe the track might change ahead.
Women and wishful thinking. We are the masters of it, aren't we?
I couldn't help laughing as I opened my eyes. Poor snake-woman. Evil aside. That's gonna take her a long, long time.
"Hey, morning!" I half-laughed into the phone, "Why so early?"
And then I heard her. Same story. "So, what should I do?" she asked as she did a hundred times before. "Get out. Fast." I replied, as I've always replied. But we both knew that she was never going to listen. It was just going to go over her head as always. She was in love. And that just meant trouble.
As I went into the taxi, I couldn't help but wonder - why are we women so stupid? Why do we fall for someone who we can see from a mile away, is nothing but trouble? This must be the one flaw that God has given us, so we never reach our true potential. We are such a sucker for the wrong kind of love.
Is it the drama? Is it the challenge? Is it the excitement? Why do we always want to do the exact same thing we forbidden to do?
Most of my body scars are caused exactly by that - doing exactly something I was forbidden to do. Be it climbing the cliff I was told not to, standing too close to our gardener while he cut the grasses, throwing stones at the large beehive I was told to avoid, plucking flowers behind the barbed wires although we had the same flowers at home. The forbidden. The untouchables. The out-of-bounds.
Were my actions some sort of rebellion against authority? Was it because I hate taking orders?
And then, there's the matter of hearts. Aah, the mother of stupidity.
We all think that we could control our hearts. Theoretically, we should, right?
But the dang whispers and whining are always just there below the surface. We make up our minds to close our hearts, to not let them get through. And we walk out the door feeling powerful and strong. As if we have locked our hearts away inside a metre thick iron wall.
And then they smile at you, or say something nice or do something as simple as looking at you in the eye. Just like that, all the walls melt away. Back to square one.
We're just so useless. Of all the things in the world, we only want that single thing we shouldn't. The very thing we knew, is just going to create chaos and pain. Yet, we still go for it. It always start with a simple, "I wish he acknowledge me" and then when he does, we want more. "I wish he smiles at me."
And then he smiles. For a few hours or a day, our hearts soar up. We float on air, walking on clouds. Then we come back wanting more. "I wish he talks to me" and then when he does it all, we even want more, "I wish he loves me".
That's the trouble isn't it? Wishing for someone to love you. Love you enough to give up everything for you. Want you enough to risk it all for you. Wishing for him to want you as much as you do. Because by then, you know in your heart, that you will walk to the ends of the earth for this man. If only he asks you to. If only he gives you half as much.
But he won't. You see, men drew their line sharp right at the beginning of the marathon. They have told you what they would do and won't. And you, you still went ahead because you so desperately wanted him to be a part of you. You settled. You convinced yourself that even if you got a piece of him, you'd be satisfied. It would do.
No, the heart is never satisfied with just a piece. No matter what, if you really, really love someone, you want it all. Every bit of the man. The good, the bad, the ugly. All of him.
But, he won't give you that. Coz he's not as stupid as you are - wearing your entire heart on your sleeves. Is it really his fault? He did warn you, didn't he not? So, why should you cry? Why should your heart break now?
So you want to get out. But by then, you have invested so much of yourself, you don't know who you'll be without him. You've already learnt seeing yourself through his eyes that you feel like you're not good enough. You're afraid to put yourself out there again, risk it once more with a stranger who could be worse than this man you love but only knows how to break your heart.
You're filled with insecurities. Filled with guilt. You don't want to give up because you've fought so hard for this. You don't want that energy to go to waste. What if you could salvage just a bit of it? What if you could rebuild this? You know it in your head that there only leads to one destination. But you refuse to accept. You are afraid to jump out of this train because everything else looks alien to you from the inside. Maybe you could convince the driver. Maybe the track might change ahead.
Women and wishful thinking. We are the masters of it, aren't we?
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