Women!

A friend's call woke me up this early.

Just before I woke up, I had this dream of an evil snake-woman had swallowed up all the men in town and proudly declared that there was just one man left. She thought she had won. Then we all found ourselves at this election campaign filled with men in Delhi. She gave me the funniest look ever - hordes of thousands of men, who'd want to eat all that up? And how?

I couldn't help laughing as I opened my eyes. Poor snake-woman. Evil aside. That's gonna take her a long, long time.

"Hey, morning!" I half-laughed into the phone, "Why so early?"

And then I heard her. Same story. "So, what should I do?" she asked as she did a hundred times before. "Get out. Fast." I replied, as I've always replied. But we both knew that she was never going to listen. It was just going to go over her head as always. She was in love. And that just meant trouble.

As I went into the taxi, I couldn't help but wonder - why are we women so stupid? Why do we fall for someone who we can see from a mile away, is nothing but trouble? This must be the one flaw that God has given us, so we never reach our true potential. We are such a sucker for the wrong kind of love.

Is it the drama? Is it the challenge? Is it the excitement? Why do we always want to do the exact same thing we forbidden to do?

Most of my body scars are caused exactly by that - doing exactly something I was forbidden to do. Be it climbing the cliff I was told not to, standing too close to our gardener while he cut the grasses, throwing stones at the large beehive I was told to avoid, plucking flowers behind the barbed wires although we had the same flowers at home. The forbidden. The untouchables. The out-of-bounds.

Were my actions some sort of rebellion against authority? Was it because I hate taking orders?

And then, there's the matter of hearts. Aah, the mother of stupidity.

We all think that we could control our hearts. Theoretically, we should, right?

But the dang whispers and whining are always just there below the surface. We make up our minds to close our hearts, to not let them get through. And we walk out the door feeling powerful and strong. As if we have locked our hearts away inside a metre thick iron wall.

And then they smile at you, or say something nice or do something as simple as looking at you in the eye. Just like that, all the walls melt away. Back to square one.

We're just so useless. Of all the things in the world, we only want that single thing we shouldn't. The very thing we knew, is just going to create chaos and pain. Yet, we still go for it. It always start with a simple, "I wish he acknowledge me" and then when he does, we want more. "I wish he smiles at me."

And then he smiles. For a few hours or a day, our hearts soar up. We float on air, walking on clouds. Then we come back wanting more. "I wish he talks to me" and then when he does it all, we even want more, "I wish he loves me".

That's the trouble isn't it? Wishing for someone to love you. Love you enough to give up everything for you. Want you enough to risk it all for you.  Wishing for him to want you as much as you do. Because by then, you know in your heart, that you will walk to the ends of the earth for this man. If only he asks you to. If only he gives you half as much.

But he won't. You see, men drew their line sharp right at the beginning of the marathon. They have told you what they would do and won't. And you, you still went ahead because you so desperately wanted him to be a part of you. You settled. You convinced yourself that even if you got a piece of him, you'd be satisfied. It would do.

No, the heart is never satisfied with just a piece. No matter what, if you really, really love someone, you want it all. Every bit of the man. The good, the bad, the ugly. All of him.

But, he won't give you that. Coz he's not as stupid as you are - wearing your entire heart on your sleeves. Is it really his fault? He did warn you, didn't he not? So, why should you cry? Why should your heart break now?

So you want to get out. But by then, you have invested so much of yourself, you don't know who you'll be without him. You've already learnt seeing yourself through his eyes that you feel like you're not good enough. You're afraid to put yourself out there again, risk it once more with a stranger who could be worse than this man you love but only knows how to break your heart.

You're filled with insecurities. Filled with guilt. You don't want to give up because you've fought so hard for this. You don't want that energy to go to waste. What if you could salvage just a bit of it? What if you could rebuild this? You know it in your head that there only leads to one destination. But you refuse to accept. You are afraid to jump out of this train because everything else looks alien to you from the inside. Maybe you could convince the driver. Maybe the track might change ahead.

Women and wishful thinking. We are the masters of it, aren't we?

Insomnia Thoughts

I keep waking up in the night.

For some strange unknown reason, my body decides to wake me up in this ungodly hour. Hour when even the street dogs no longer care what goes around, curse whatever spirits loom large and shut their eyes and ears. That weird hour when it almost feel like daylight is approaching yet darkness still stay put like a stubborn, drunk party reveller. Where characters from the dream and reality blend in together, fluid like inks of different colours on a white, clean paper.

And, it is in this hour, that you always come to me. So quiet at first that I never notice your arrival. For your arrival is always at the exact same time as when I find myself confused in this half-dream world, filled with thousand voices, sounds, characters and faces, as if I were on a peak-hour train platform in Delhi.

You always observe me first from a distance. Follow me out until I go to a quieter place. Wait until I catch my breath. Let my heartbeat returns to normal at rest. Let me feel comfortable enough to be. And look around me. At this point, you're already at my side. Watching the world with me. Lying beside me as if we've done this together our whole lives. As if you were always a part of me. Even before I knew you.

It is in this hour that I dare look into your eyes. And let you look into mine. I let you face me. Put my hand in front of your face. Run my fingers down from your forehead to your nose, always holding my breath a bit too long as I go down your lips and to your chin. I let my palm feels you before I let it glide through your hairs. Always gentle, always slow. Remembering every curve, every shape. Reliving every single step, every single movement. Over. And Over.

Sometimes I talk to you. Tell you things I wish to say. Of so many stories. Of so many songs. But most times, I just stay in the silence with you. In this hour that nobody knows.

Here, we make our garden. Filled with beautiful things that will never see the light of the day. Hand-in-hand. Laughing at times. Maybe crying occasionally too. But most times, just oblivious to the world turning to end this hour. And bring us back to the world where you and I could never be.

Here, I leave my guard by the gate. And meet you as I wish you to see me. My heart is laid bare and my eyes are only on you. Here, there are no whispers, no gossip-mongers and no rules that bind me with no room to stray.

Here, I can love you like you deserve to be loved. Take care of you like I wish I could. And explore you like a hidden jewel meant only for me. Let you discover me. The sights I keep only for you.

The Road to Recovery

Imagine living on top of the mountain. Every day, you wake with the purest of air kissing your skin. The birds singing all around you as the clouds underneath you gleam like purest soft cottons as the sun rays fall on them. You open the window and breathe in unbridled joy and hope, of thousand possibilities. And your heart is full. Your body's strong. And your mind is clear.

And then one day, you stand a little too close to the edge. So you fall down. Deep down into the bottom of the valley and into the place that the world has forgotten its existence. At first, it doesn't hit you. After all, you've never been here before.

So you expect things to be the same. That your heart is still warm and full of songs. But as you try to get up, you realise, for the first time, how broken your body is. And just how far the top of the mountain is from where you are.

You look around you. There is nobody here. No one has been here for thousand of years. This is the valley that nobody even want to acknowledge of its existence. A valley nobody understands. Nobody has told you how to navigate through this. Nobody has ever written a book or leave a guide map.
Imagine being in that valley, walking with a broken body and an empty soul, roaming for days, unable to find a way out.

You're used to live on top of the mountains. You're used to the light. Colours. Sounds.
But down here, there is nothing but darkness, shadows and silence so deep that even your beating heart sounds alien to you.

You miss home. You miss everything that made you, you. But all of those seems so far away --high up the mountains that now appear as if they touch the sky.
How far is the distance from this valley to the sky??
How does one go from here to there?????....what if I tell you that your soul is trapped here for eternity, alone in this darkness, somewhere feebly trying but with no headway?

If you look closely, maybe you might catch a glimpse. Of her. Stuck in a world she doesn't understand. Stuck in a body she has no control over. In a city of aliens and strangers. Trying to be strong yet so miserably failing. There are thousand things running through her mind, and it doesn't help that she has no enough strength.

The world expects her to smile and questions why she isn't paying attention. They chastise her for losing the shine in her eyes, for looking away too quickly. They ask her why she is lost and cold. The world is a show and she's dressed and combed to perfection. So, yes, there isn't a visible scar to the public. No cut to show. No bruise to hide.

She doesn't pay attention because every minute hurts. She's lost down here in a world she's never been before. Away from her loved ones. Away from her friends and family. Away from all the support and comfort that she's used to. She has a lot to worry but none to share with. She has a lot of pain but none to understand. So, she keeps to herself as she hurts even more.

For the mountain top is still so very far away. And so many miles ahead.

Maybe she will reach there again one day. But even then, nothing will ever be the same again.