DEPRESSION TOOK OVER ME:
I've talked in bits and pieces about my experience with depression before. And more importantly, how I beat it to the ground. I call my experience, "to hell and back" because that's what I did - I lived a living hell, and came out of it. And, I can tell you, once you've truly been to hell, you never want to go back there. Ever.
I think depression is like a cancer cell. It has been there in each of us, floating around in our soul and mind, staying inactive until something triggers it to wake up. Some people succumb to it, some people rise from it. But there's only one way to ever beat it - you gotta admit that you have it and find the root cause why. And you gotta heal it. From the inside.
Looking back, I can't really remember what triggers and opens that gate of hell for me. I was a young and have everything on the outside - friends, good grades, family and I was popular. But none mattered as I slowly began to felt how futile and fake everything was - how nobody knew the real me. I started seeing myself as pretentious, liar, worthless and unloveable. Secretly, I began to feel unhappier by the minute, with no real explanation save that I was just not good enough. Good enough for what? I didn't know - maybe myself? I felt like I was slowly sinking into a sandpit and screaming but nobody could hear me.
I felt like this - that I had 2 person in me - one I called, 'the princess' and the other, 'the warrior'.The princess was really this goofy, child-like, harmless person who just wanted to be loved, whereas the warrior would do just about almost anything to survive and defeat. She knew and trusted nobody, was brutal and had no heart.
The princess was the real me, but someone hurt the princess in me a lot as a little child and, as I grew up, I created the warrior to protect me. Not feeling enough, I also started putting up blocks after blocks to create a wall between me and the world, with the warrior guarding me outside of this wall. One day, I realised, I was alone inside that igloo of the wall - a dungeon I created for my own protection - and found nobody, not even the warrior could reach me anymore.
But because I was the princess and she was my essence, I could hear her cries and feel her in the depth of my heart, inside that igloo prison where only I knew existed. I wanted to save her, the warrior in me, but even she couldn't - because the wall was built from the inside, and the keys - I didn't know I should've made the key.
So, I was stuck there for a long time, screaming and dying inside while the warrior on the outside, carried on as if nothing happened. I mean, I tried. I tried talking to people, getting help, praying but nothing helped. I lived the living hell until I felt like I couldn't do it no more.
When I was younger, I used to wonder how people could commit suicide. I used to judge them. I'd say, "what's wrong with these people? they've money, friends, people, fame, loved ones..everything going for them! yet they stupidly took their own lives!" I could never understand.
But, then I experienced hell. It really was hell. Because hell was inside of you, you lived with it 24/7. It became the air you breathe, the water you drank, like dark cloud covering you wherever you went, like you were a fish in sea of depression. You couldn't escape, you couldn't run, you couldn't hide, you couldn't even unwished it away.
I became so tired that I wanted to die. I didn't understand at a time, but depressed people didn't want to die. They just wanted to leave the sea of depression, to come out and gasp for air. To go back to land. Walk away. But, I didn't know how. All I knew was that as days turned to months and to years, death seemed to be the only permanent way out - a final resting place from the incessant fires of hell living in me.
I SAW DEATH:
I remember that night like it was yesterday. Lately, I had been having sleepless nights. But that night was different. I was sleeping when suddenly, something woke me up in the middle of the night. I felt the heaviest, saddest I'd ever felt in my life - like something really heavy sat on my chest, making me unable to breathe. I walked out of my apartment and went to the top of the building, barely remembering how I got there. There, atop the 5th floor building, I looked at the world around me. I saw a tree below and it felt like it was covered in petrol fumes. Like the whole world was covered in dirty, vehicle smoke and fumes with not a single thing beautiful on earth. Everything felt as if it was covered in dark, smoky, depressing cloud.
Part of my brain noticed this and asked how it was possible. I've always loved trees and found beauty in them. But not this night. Everything was dead, everything was the ugly. As I thought about this, I felt someone approaching me from a distance - I still couldn't fathom how a person could randomly walked on air and approached me. But he felt real as any other person. He wore a dark cape that covered his eyes and part of his nose, but I could see his mouth and chin. He radiated light, kindness and understanding. I felt so calm next to him and then spoke to me in my head, "Come to me. Let me embrace you in my arms forever, like a baby wrapped in a mother's blanket, held in the bosom." I'd always imagined death to be this scary image, but the one I saw was filled with compassion, understanding - as if he understood my burden and only wanted to take it off me.
I can't described how intense and real it felt. Or how persuasive he was. I stood on the ledge, ready to jump. Part of my rational mind thought how ugly my corpse would look the next day, or whenever it would be discovered. And of my Mom. Should I write a note first to tell her that nobody murdered me, that it was my own choice and nobody was at fault? But I decided against going back down and writing again. So, I spread my arms and closed my eyes.
SOMEONE CALLED ME BY NAME:
I was just about to jump when I heard someone called my name, "Helen!". I was so startled I actually jumped back. I thought it was my Mom coming up. "Eih!(Yes in my language)" When I turned only to see no one. But the voice was so distinct, so clear, it broke my trance-like state and connection with the man in front of me. Yet, when I turned back, there was nobody around. I turned back towards the man and positioned to take the leap. And then again, just like before, I heard the voice. This time, the voice felt like it was in a hurry, calling my name thrice, "Helen! Helen! Helen!" - and as if someone could see me from afar, but unable to reach me, like it was coming from afar in a foggy night.
I grew up in the mountains and monsoon, we'd have what we call 'walking clouds' where clouds/fog would suddenly appear out of nowhere and covered everything. Sometimes, especially in late afternoon, the day would suddenly turned dark, and sometimes the fog would be so thick even if you put your hands in front of you, you won't be able to see it. We'd have to walk with a torch and call out to each other to know where the other person was - we'd follow each other's voice.
That night, the voice called out to me like how I felt in the mountain back when I was a child. The night was partly foggy but nothing like it was in the mountains. Yet, the voice felt like that, extremely worried, anxious, like how my grandmother used to call out to me when she felt that she lost me in the market/crowd.
I didn't know what that voice was, but I bet if I were drunk/on drugs ( I'm a teetotaller), I would have died that night. But someone called me out by my name. It was very strange because when the man I saw backed away, everything returned to normal, as in the heaviness I couldn't explain was gone.
WHOSE VOICE WAS THAT?:
After I came back from my strange experience, I became extremely curious. I had no explanation, no Science could back up what I saw or felt. But almost 10 years later, I felt that night like yesterday. I wanted to know whose voice it was. Was it my subconscious? Was it me talking myself out of it? Was it an angel? The voice knew me. Knew me and felt familiar to me, like I knew that voice forever. My curiosity overtook me and I began to search for that voice. What it could be. If it was me, why did I stop myself? If it was someone else, why did it stopped me?
I read many books, articles, religious texts...I didn't find the answer.
But I did find out about something else.
I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING:
I was born a Christian, in a practising family, a self-proclaimed Christian society. I never chose my religion, I was born into it. I was taught about God, Jesus Christ. I read scriptures growing up, listened to countless sermons, testimonies, so many things. But, when I lived my hell, no God, Jesus Christ, angels came to deliver me. I read the Bible, prayed many times but nothing stopped my depression. Nothing. I felt disillusioned, I hated God. I hated religion. I hated the stupid fairy-tales that did nothing to stop my depression. I was a practising Christian, went to church all the time yet nobody came to my aid. So, I had decided that there was no God. No Jesus Christ. No heaven or hell after death. After all, I was living in hell and I was still alive and breathing.
But, after hearing the voice, I became curious again and read everything again.
And then, to my shame, I discovered something about myself - I had no idea who God or Jesus Christ was! I mean, I prayed almost everyday for 20 years and I didn't even know who God or Jesus Christ was. What do I know about this God?This Jesus Christ?
Old Testament described a vengeful, fearful, old-bearded type being. New Testament described a slightly more loving one, albeit some serious anger problem still. But, all descriptions were different. King David's description was different from Abraham's, from Jonah, from St.Paul. So, which one was He? Which one was Jesus?
I WANT TO WRITE MY OWN LOVE STORY:
I discovered that, everyone wrote their own story with their God. All these times, I was trying to connect to God from someone's else perspective. Like, the way President Obama was described by the US media, the ISIS media would be completely different from how his daughter would described him. But, all these while, I had been reading the news about God and told myself I knew God. That if I were to meet God, that would be like meeting President Obama and expecting him to know me because I read about him in the media. Or expecting him to treat me a certain way because I'd studied everything about him and followed all his policies.
No. I didn't know God. God didn't know the real me. I never opened myself up to God. I never open myself up to anyone because I don't trust anyone. But, if I were to open myself up to God in the secret of my room, won't God not keep my secrets? What better person/being to open myself up to than God? If God knows the real me, if I approach God as me - this worthless, hypocritical, fake, 2-sided person, and tells him about why I am the way I am, and these burning secrets in my heart, these guilts, insecurities, hurts, pains that I couldn't share with another soul - what would I lose in return?
What if I approach this way? And let God knows how depressed I am, how tired I am, how I wished someone would listen, my desires to be me.
BREAK THE JAR AND SHACKLES:
It took me some time more, but one day, I finally decided to approach God as me. I had nothing to lose. I had tried everything. And no, I didn't want to drink, do drugs because I knew they won't solve and cure this cancer inside me. I needed a cure, no more painkillers. No. So, after much hesitation and debate with my left-over ego, one day, I came to my room. I locked the door from inside. And, then, I kneeled down on the floor. I felt weird. Almost ashamed.
But, I wanted God to know me - the real story about me. So, I started awkwardly, "God" I breathe in deeply, hesitated for few seconds, "I want to know you and I want you to know me. I don't know where to go. As a lawyer, I keep people's secrets and defend them. So, here's my secrets. Please just listen and keep it."
I felt my voice quivered and started to shake, "My name is Helen and I was born in..." I talked to God as if I were talking to him for the first time. And as I spoke to him, I felt my heart broke inside me. Tears streamed down my face as I motioned taking my heart out of my chest on my hands and lifting it up to this invisible God, and then dropped it in the ground. My broken, bruised, ailing heart and soul, crushed before me, crushed before the universe, before everyone, everything. I couldn't do it anymore. "Please take my heart, my life, my soul. My burden."
To my own surprise, I found myself bawling like a child as I spoke these words. I cried like I had lost the love of my life, completely broken. But unashamed. Naked. Stripped completely.
I FORGIVE AND ACCEPT MYSELF:
As I lay there, I felt a warmth entered me to the depth of my soul. I can't explain it, but I knew I found my God and God found me. A God different from all the books, sermons, stories out there. My own personalised God. My own love story. My own version. And for me, my secrets keeper, my salvation.
And, from that day, something changed in me. I found the strength and love within myself to forgive and accept myself. I still continue to see my flaws, I am imperfect, the world continues to be unfair, imperfect, but there's a shift in me. I discovered the princess, who created the impenetrable wall from the inside, who isolated herself from everyone else, who was dying from loneliness, hunger, pain was and is the best creator - she and only she can create the key to open and break the walls down.
I made my own hell, I walked through it and I defeated it by completely giving in, facing it, accepting all and everything, and rising from it.
Today, I don't need to feel suicidal anymore. I decide to no longer be depressed, go back to hell. I came out of it, and I build my strength, new bridge with someone by my side. I am not alone. I am here. I have my God. I have me.
GO FIND YOUR OWN GOD, YOUR SALVATION:
If you ask me today, who Jesus is for me, I will tell you that he is my saviour. Not the one that lived long ago alone, but the one who pulled me out of my own hell. The one who walks with me. The one who knows what its like to be me.
I know I am one of the lucky ones to beat this soul cancer called depression. But, if you've survived cancer, you don't ever want to go back. If you've been through various sleepless nights, chemotherapies, pains..and you come out, you change your lifestyle, you eat healthy, live healthier.
I still don't know whose exact voice that was that stopped me, but I know one thing - suicide isn't the only answer. I found my answer, alive and still breathing. I come out alive on the other side. And yes, its greener here on this side. Its what we sought for. I am at rest here. I feel peaceful. I feel the beauty I thought I'd never feel again. It is possible. I am the living proof.
Don't give up, you hold the key to your own prison you created for yourself. Only you know your darkest weakness and also, your greatest strength. Find your own God, your own key, your own salvation.
Whatever you created it for, it wasn't meant to kill you, it was meant to protect you, make you stronger, make you better unless you decide otherwise. Come out, and meet me on the other side.
I've talked in bits and pieces about my experience with depression before. And more importantly, how I beat it to the ground. I call my experience, "to hell and back" because that's what I did - I lived a living hell, and came out of it. And, I can tell you, once you've truly been to hell, you never want to go back there. Ever.
I think depression is like a cancer cell. It has been there in each of us, floating around in our soul and mind, staying inactive until something triggers it to wake up. Some people succumb to it, some people rise from it. But there's only one way to ever beat it - you gotta admit that you have it and find the root cause why. And you gotta heal it. From the inside.
Looking back, I can't really remember what triggers and opens that gate of hell for me. I was a young and have everything on the outside - friends, good grades, family and I was popular. But none mattered as I slowly began to felt how futile and fake everything was - how nobody knew the real me. I started seeing myself as pretentious, liar, worthless and unloveable. Secretly, I began to feel unhappier by the minute, with no real explanation save that I was just not good enough. Good enough for what? I didn't know - maybe myself? I felt like I was slowly sinking into a sandpit and screaming but nobody could hear me.
I felt like this - that I had 2 person in me - one I called, 'the princess' and the other, 'the warrior'.The princess was really this goofy, child-like, harmless person who just wanted to be loved, whereas the warrior would do just about almost anything to survive and defeat. She knew and trusted nobody, was brutal and had no heart.
The princess was the real me, but someone hurt the princess in me a lot as a little child and, as I grew up, I created the warrior to protect me. Not feeling enough, I also started putting up blocks after blocks to create a wall between me and the world, with the warrior guarding me outside of this wall. One day, I realised, I was alone inside that igloo of the wall - a dungeon I created for my own protection - and found nobody, not even the warrior could reach me anymore.
But because I was the princess and she was my essence, I could hear her cries and feel her in the depth of my heart, inside that igloo prison where only I knew existed. I wanted to save her, the warrior in me, but even she couldn't - because the wall was built from the inside, and the keys - I didn't know I should've made the key.
So, I was stuck there for a long time, screaming and dying inside while the warrior on the outside, carried on as if nothing happened. I mean, I tried. I tried talking to people, getting help, praying but nothing helped. I lived the living hell until I felt like I couldn't do it no more.
When I was younger, I used to wonder how people could commit suicide. I used to judge them. I'd say, "what's wrong with these people? they've money, friends, people, fame, loved ones..everything going for them! yet they stupidly took their own lives!" I could never understand.
But, then I experienced hell. It really was hell. Because hell was inside of you, you lived with it 24/7. It became the air you breathe, the water you drank, like dark cloud covering you wherever you went, like you were a fish in sea of depression. You couldn't escape, you couldn't run, you couldn't hide, you couldn't even unwished it away.
I became so tired that I wanted to die. I didn't understand at a time, but depressed people didn't want to die. They just wanted to leave the sea of depression, to come out and gasp for air. To go back to land. Walk away. But, I didn't know how. All I knew was that as days turned to months and to years, death seemed to be the only permanent way out - a final resting place from the incessant fires of hell living in me.
I SAW DEATH:
I remember that night like it was yesterday. Lately, I had been having sleepless nights. But that night was different. I was sleeping when suddenly, something woke me up in the middle of the night. I felt the heaviest, saddest I'd ever felt in my life - like something really heavy sat on my chest, making me unable to breathe. I walked out of my apartment and went to the top of the building, barely remembering how I got there. There, atop the 5th floor building, I looked at the world around me. I saw a tree below and it felt like it was covered in petrol fumes. Like the whole world was covered in dirty, vehicle smoke and fumes with not a single thing beautiful on earth. Everything felt as if it was covered in dark, smoky, depressing cloud.
Part of my brain noticed this and asked how it was possible. I've always loved trees and found beauty in them. But not this night. Everything was dead, everything was the ugly. As I thought about this, I felt someone approaching me from a distance - I still couldn't fathom how a person could randomly walked on air and approached me. But he felt real as any other person. He wore a dark cape that covered his eyes and part of his nose, but I could see his mouth and chin. He radiated light, kindness and understanding. I felt so calm next to him and then spoke to me in my head, "Come to me. Let me embrace you in my arms forever, like a baby wrapped in a mother's blanket, held in the bosom." I'd always imagined death to be this scary image, but the one I saw was filled with compassion, understanding - as if he understood my burden and only wanted to take it off me.
I can't described how intense and real it felt. Or how persuasive he was. I stood on the ledge, ready to jump. Part of my rational mind thought how ugly my corpse would look the next day, or whenever it would be discovered. And of my Mom. Should I write a note first to tell her that nobody murdered me, that it was my own choice and nobody was at fault? But I decided against going back down and writing again. So, I spread my arms and closed my eyes.
SOMEONE CALLED ME BY NAME:
I was just about to jump when I heard someone called my name, "Helen!". I was so startled I actually jumped back. I thought it was my Mom coming up. "Eih!(Yes in my language)" When I turned only to see no one. But the voice was so distinct, so clear, it broke my trance-like state and connection with the man in front of me. Yet, when I turned back, there was nobody around. I turned back towards the man and positioned to take the leap. And then again, just like before, I heard the voice. This time, the voice felt like it was in a hurry, calling my name thrice, "Helen! Helen! Helen!" - and as if someone could see me from afar, but unable to reach me, like it was coming from afar in a foggy night.
I grew up in the mountains and monsoon, we'd have what we call 'walking clouds' where clouds/fog would suddenly appear out of nowhere and covered everything. Sometimes, especially in late afternoon, the day would suddenly turned dark, and sometimes the fog would be so thick even if you put your hands in front of you, you won't be able to see it. We'd have to walk with a torch and call out to each other to know where the other person was - we'd follow each other's voice.
That night, the voice called out to me like how I felt in the mountain back when I was a child. The night was partly foggy but nothing like it was in the mountains. Yet, the voice felt like that, extremely worried, anxious, like how my grandmother used to call out to me when she felt that she lost me in the market/crowd.
I didn't know what that voice was, but I bet if I were drunk/on drugs ( I'm a teetotaller), I would have died that night. But someone called me out by my name. It was very strange because when the man I saw backed away, everything returned to normal, as in the heaviness I couldn't explain was gone.
WHOSE VOICE WAS THAT?:
After I came back from my strange experience, I became extremely curious. I had no explanation, no Science could back up what I saw or felt. But almost 10 years later, I felt that night like yesterday. I wanted to know whose voice it was. Was it my subconscious? Was it me talking myself out of it? Was it an angel? The voice knew me. Knew me and felt familiar to me, like I knew that voice forever. My curiosity overtook me and I began to search for that voice. What it could be. If it was me, why did I stop myself? If it was someone else, why did it stopped me?
I read many books, articles, religious texts...I didn't find the answer.
But I did find out about something else.
I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING:
I was born a Christian, in a practising family, a self-proclaimed Christian society. I never chose my religion, I was born into it. I was taught about God, Jesus Christ. I read scriptures growing up, listened to countless sermons, testimonies, so many things. But, when I lived my hell, no God, Jesus Christ, angels came to deliver me. I read the Bible, prayed many times but nothing stopped my depression. Nothing. I felt disillusioned, I hated God. I hated religion. I hated the stupid fairy-tales that did nothing to stop my depression. I was a practising Christian, went to church all the time yet nobody came to my aid. So, I had decided that there was no God. No Jesus Christ. No heaven or hell after death. After all, I was living in hell and I was still alive and breathing.
But, after hearing the voice, I became curious again and read everything again.
And then, to my shame, I discovered something about myself - I had no idea who God or Jesus Christ was! I mean, I prayed almost everyday for 20 years and I didn't even know who God or Jesus Christ was. What do I know about this God?This Jesus Christ?
Old Testament described a vengeful, fearful, old-bearded type being. New Testament described a slightly more loving one, albeit some serious anger problem still. But, all descriptions were different. King David's description was different from Abraham's, from Jonah, from St.Paul. So, which one was He? Which one was Jesus?
I WANT TO WRITE MY OWN LOVE STORY:
I discovered that, everyone wrote their own story with their God. All these times, I was trying to connect to God from someone's else perspective. Like, the way President Obama was described by the US media, the ISIS media would be completely different from how his daughter would described him. But, all these while, I had been reading the news about God and told myself I knew God. That if I were to meet God, that would be like meeting President Obama and expecting him to know me because I read about him in the media. Or expecting him to treat me a certain way because I'd studied everything about him and followed all his policies.
No. I didn't know God. God didn't know the real me. I never opened myself up to God. I never open myself up to anyone because I don't trust anyone. But, if I were to open myself up to God in the secret of my room, won't God not keep my secrets? What better person/being to open myself up to than God? If God knows the real me, if I approach God as me - this worthless, hypocritical, fake, 2-sided person, and tells him about why I am the way I am, and these burning secrets in my heart, these guilts, insecurities, hurts, pains that I couldn't share with another soul - what would I lose in return?
What if I approach this way? And let God knows how depressed I am, how tired I am, how I wished someone would listen, my desires to be me.
BREAK THE JAR AND SHACKLES:
It took me some time more, but one day, I finally decided to approach God as me. I had nothing to lose. I had tried everything. And no, I didn't want to drink, do drugs because I knew they won't solve and cure this cancer inside me. I needed a cure, no more painkillers. No. So, after much hesitation and debate with my left-over ego, one day, I came to my room. I locked the door from inside. And, then, I kneeled down on the floor. I felt weird. Almost ashamed.
But, I wanted God to know me - the real story about me. So, I started awkwardly, "God" I breathe in deeply, hesitated for few seconds, "I want to know you and I want you to know me. I don't know where to go. As a lawyer, I keep people's secrets and defend them. So, here's my secrets. Please just listen and keep it."
I felt my voice quivered and started to shake, "My name is Helen and I was born in..." I talked to God as if I were talking to him for the first time. And as I spoke to him, I felt my heart broke inside me. Tears streamed down my face as I motioned taking my heart out of my chest on my hands and lifting it up to this invisible God, and then dropped it in the ground. My broken, bruised, ailing heart and soul, crushed before me, crushed before the universe, before everyone, everything. I couldn't do it anymore. "Please take my heart, my life, my soul. My burden."
To my own surprise, I found myself bawling like a child as I spoke these words. I cried like I had lost the love of my life, completely broken. But unashamed. Naked. Stripped completely.
I FORGIVE AND ACCEPT MYSELF:
As I lay there, I felt a warmth entered me to the depth of my soul. I can't explain it, but I knew I found my God and God found me. A God different from all the books, sermons, stories out there. My own personalised God. My own love story. My own version. And for me, my secrets keeper, my salvation.
And, from that day, something changed in me. I found the strength and love within myself to forgive and accept myself. I still continue to see my flaws, I am imperfect, the world continues to be unfair, imperfect, but there's a shift in me. I discovered the princess, who created the impenetrable wall from the inside, who isolated herself from everyone else, who was dying from loneliness, hunger, pain was and is the best creator - she and only she can create the key to open and break the walls down.
I made my own hell, I walked through it and I defeated it by completely giving in, facing it, accepting all and everything, and rising from it.
Today, I don't need to feel suicidal anymore. I decide to no longer be depressed, go back to hell. I came out of it, and I build my strength, new bridge with someone by my side. I am not alone. I am here. I have my God. I have me.
GO FIND YOUR OWN GOD, YOUR SALVATION:
If you ask me today, who Jesus is for me, I will tell you that he is my saviour. Not the one that lived long ago alone, but the one who pulled me out of my own hell. The one who walks with me. The one who knows what its like to be me.
I know I am one of the lucky ones to beat this soul cancer called depression. But, if you've survived cancer, you don't ever want to go back. If you've been through various sleepless nights, chemotherapies, pains..and you come out, you change your lifestyle, you eat healthy, live healthier.
I still don't know whose exact voice that was that stopped me, but I know one thing - suicide isn't the only answer. I found my answer, alive and still breathing. I come out alive on the other side. And yes, its greener here on this side. Its what we sought for. I am at rest here. I feel peaceful. I feel the beauty I thought I'd never feel again. It is possible. I am the living proof.
Don't give up, you hold the key to your own prison you created for yourself. Only you know your darkest weakness and also, your greatest strength. Find your own God, your own key, your own salvation.
Whatever you created it for, it wasn't meant to kill you, it was meant to protect you, make you stronger, make you better unless you decide otherwise. Come out, and meet me on the other side.
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