THE BOY WHO DECIDED TO DIE

THE BOY WHO DECIDED TO DIE

CHAPTER - 1

A ‘spiritual cleansing for Christ’ campaign led by a religious 20 member teams had reached Zobawk, a small little village in Mizoram. The man responsible for this campaign was a rather, scrawny lookin, recovered drug addict named Faka, aged about 30 years old and who, after fathering 3 children from 3 different women in different villages and arrested several times for theft, burglary, drug trafficking and domestic violence in the last 10 years, had suddenly found God and now spent his life going all over Mizoram spreading the gospel of Christ. In addition to holding week-long ‘spiritual cleansing camping’ at different churches, the man had also done several TV appearances, newspapers and magazines interviews and had, in the process, acquired hundreds of faithful women admirers and followers. Recently, he had started to perform what is known as, “Spiritual Healing Touch” in which his followers felt a strong shock and started crying in repentance each time he shook hands with the person. It was said that the man possessed a spiritual power from God to see the darkest, deepest secret sin of anyone he shook hands with. And, that somehow, he also had the power to transfer the message of forgiveness and cleansing from God himself. Because of this new acquired reputation, people from far and wide, came to see the man for forgiveness of their deepest sins and, for most people, out of curiosity to see if their neighbors would cry aloud when shaking hands with the self-proclaimed preacher.

For residents of Zobawk which had a population of less than 2000, hosting this God-man and his team was a dream come true. Not only did it bring the small village which had never been known for anything, suddenly into the limelight of the media and the Mizo people, the event meant that the village would get the chance to host all kinds of people who followed the campaigns. For the older generations, the event meant getting the chance to meet their friends and relatives from another far-flung villages, who would be coming on the free-transport buses provided by the churches. And, for the youths, it was much more exciting as it meant meeting potential lovers outside of the villages, experiencing new make-up and hairstyles, flirting around and, if they were lucky, getting the chance to feature on the TV and becoming a model/actors, etc.

The excitement in the village was palpable. Everyone had been preparing for the last several weeks since the news broke out about the campaigns. Women folks had gone to Lunglei town’s clothes markets to buy the latest, stylish clothes, shoes and handbags. Men folks had cut their hair and nails, cleaning their dirt-grimed, farming tools and hiding them away in the attic. Youngsters were given baths, houses and utensils were scrubbed clean, with everyone talking excitedly in alleys, roadsides and village markets. It was almost as if Christmas was coming in April instead.

It was no different at Kima’s house. His parents had just completed their jhum cultivation of rice, which meant that they were left with atleast a few weeks of rest until it was time to weed out the grasses. This meant his mother had time to take the 5 children for haircuts and sweet-treats at the local market. 

The Phone Call

He felt a sharp jab on his left arm. He remained motionless, looking vacantly in front of him, neither showing pain nor any reaction. Next to him, his daughter stood by, explaining to the doctor about his condition.

Presently she informed the doctor about his diabetic problem, high blood pressure and the latest stroke that left him unconscious for a whole night. He ignored the anger in her voice as she complained about his stubbornness to seek medical help as well as his resolute demand of independence.

“He’s already 93 years old, he is slurring in his speech and had it not for me today, heaven knows he might be lying dead somewhere as we speak. I even have to force him to come here today.”

The doctor didn’t reply. Instead, he continued on checking his pulse. “Open your mouth please”. He looked straight at him and remained motionless. His daughter interjected, “You have to speak louder. He has turned deaf but refuses to wear any hearing aid.” The doctor repeated his request in a louder voice. He opened his mouth mechanically.

“We will have to admit him. He requires further tests and he’s too weak to leave the hospital at this stage. You can complete the admission process after this.”

“I knew it! I knew it! Thank you doctor. God knows how close he is to death itself. I am so frustrated at him. We should have come sooner.”

She turned to him and spoke loudly, “The doctor said that we need to admit you to the hospital. You are too weak and need tests done.”

“No, I am fine. Take me home.”

He tried to get up from the bed but felt his head spinning. He last remembered the touch of the cold concrete floor on his feet and blanked out.

He awoke with a terrible headache to the incessant chatters next to his bed. His younger daughter immediately rushed to him and held his hand, “Father?” He felt confused. He tried to speak but no words came out from his mouth. He eyed his surrounding wildly. “You’re at the hospital,” His younger daughter explained, “You passed out when you tried to stand up.”

He looked around once more. Two of his daughters were standing on both sides of his bed. At his feet and directly looking at him was his younger son-in-law. Behind his younger daughter stood his grand-daughter-in-law with his 3 years old great granddaughter and some face he just could not recollect at the moment. On his left, next to his older daughter stood his other 3 grandsons, all anxiously looking at him. And above his head, 2 of his older brother’s sons stood rather awkwardly. There was no sign of his wife or any of her relatives.

He realized his clothes had been changed to hospital’s light blue gown and a light yellow liquid was slowly passing inside his right arm with the help of a needle, stabilized on his skin with the help of a white bandage.

He felt dryness in his throat and motioned for water.  “Is he allowed to drink?” His son-in-law asked the nurse looking at his chart. “Yes. But he shouldn’t drink much at one go.” His older daughter gave him a glass of water. He tried to take the glass and found himself unable to hold it. His left hand was unstable, shaking a little too much as he feebly tried to hold the weight. “Here, drink it.” He felt the cold water on his lips. He drank a little and leaned back on his pillow. His family were now discussing something. He didn’t bother trying to listen. He was too tired and his eyes were heavy.

He was woken up later by his older daughter. He needed to get some tests done, he was told. And, he had wetted the bed and his clothes and bed sheets needed to be changed. He fumbled an embarrassed excuse under his breath. Lately, he had been finding it difficult, almost impossible to hold his bladder and bowel. He had suffered embarrassing situations in the past, but none of his children had witnessed such incidents.

He stayed 20 kilometers away from the nearest house of his children and kept minimum contact with them since the last 10 years. “Rita..” He looked at his older daughter, “Get me Rita.”

The anger and animosity in her older daughter’s voice was undeniable. “We called her on the phone. She refused to come and take care of you.” She said something more but he didn’t hear her any longer. “Call her again. Tell her that I had asked for her.”

He felt her pressing his arm hard. “No! I will not call that nurse whore who stole you from my dying mother’s side again! I curse her! I wish that God punish that heartless, calculating whore!” She started changing his clothes angrily, shoving him deliberately without actually hurting him.

It had been over a decade but his children still refused to accept his second wife. It did not help that she was only 2 years older than his oldest child and was already divorced with 5 children when he fell in love with her. And mentioning her name amongst them meant bringing up fights. He kept quiet.

He felt miserable each passing hour in the afternoon. There were too many tests taken and it started to worry him. By evening, his wife called on his phone. “Aaooh..” He still couldn’t make a proper sound.

“Your daughter called and abused me, accusing me of deliberately making you sick. She said that I deliberately wanted to kill you so I inherit your property! Tell her I don’t want any of your stupid properties. I have taken care of you more than any of them. Tell them that!!”

“Yes. When are you coming?”

“I am not coming ever to that lion’s cave, when you are surrounded by those pack of hyenas! If you want me, get yourself released from the hospital and come home. You’re not even sick, yet they put you there.” He noticed his daughter watching him and changed the subject.

“How are things?”

“Not good. The girls’ tuition fees need to be paid. And this morning, Mr. Zira came again and asked for instalment money for the TV we bought last month. That’s about Rs.10,000 in total to be paid. He kept coming and is now giving me a headache. You’re supposed to just go for a quick check-up. You should’ve inform me first. Now, I have to deal with all these mess. What should I do now?”

“Ask for a few days’ time. I will come home soon.”

“I already did. And what’s wrong with your voice? I can’t understand you!”

His older daughter interrupted, “Is she asking you for money even in this situation?! Give me the phone!”

She tried taking the phone from him. He cut the phone and switched it off and watched her as she sat down, her face turning red with anger. She started texting someone angrily on the phone. “God gives me patience to deal with you!”

It had been 3 nights he had been in the hospital. He noticed that it was only his older daughter that stayed over at the hospital with him. She had been taking leaves from work and the toll of looking after a stubborn, old father who had walked out on them began to take its toll on her. She had started to become increasingly impatient and cranky. His younger daughter visited briefly once a day, bringing him lukewarm soup. She had refused to stay over saying she had much work at home.

“Besides, I am way too fragile in health. I’m afraid I might catch some illness if I stay at this dirty hospital.”

He noticed the two daughters increasingly bickering over his property. More than once, he heard them quarreled with words like ‘inheritance’, ‘property’, ‘will’. His only son had not come to see him once.

“Father, you need to pay the hospital bill. How do I withdraw your money?” His younger daughter asked him presently. He looked at both his daughters, an engineer and a police officer respectively.

“How much will it cost?”

“About Rs.20,000 so far. Maybe more, maybe less. Do you have that much?”

The daughters looked at him expectantly. He had retired with a good amount of money and received his pension salary from the government every month. On top of that, he had few apartments in the city from where he received the rents on a monthly basis. He struggled to remember how much money he had at the bank. It was middle of the month and he was yet to get his pension salary. His wife’s expenses were not cheap and he had been giving in to her for fear of divorce. He had yet to pay his second wife’s children tuition fees, daily allowances and monthly instalments. He stopped buying medical insurances atleast 5 years ago. He found himself struggling to respond immediately.

“No.”

Later his older daughter told him, “I won’t have the money to pay for your hospital bills on my own. You know about how many mouths I have to feed. You should ask my sister to pay – it’s the least she could do; she is married to a wealthy man and have no dependents.”

By evening, his grand daughter-in-law came to give him food, “Lucky you stay here at the hospital. At home, everyone is fighting about how to pay for your hospital bills. And, mother didn’t like that you had written a will giving everything to her younger sister despite the fact that she has never taken care of you.”

He found himself listening half-heartedly as he struggled to hold his urine. He watched her continue speaking and felt a sense of embarrassment coming over him as felt him passing his urine, unable to control any longer.

“What is that smell?”

“Nothing. Can you open the window, I feel suffocated inside.”

The young girl did as told and went out to wash the dirty dishes. He moved uncomfortably as his wet trousers stuck to the wet bed sheet. He quickly lifted his blanket so the smell evaporated before the young girl came back.

His older daughter came a few minutes later, bringing him fresh change of clothes. She looked particularly annoyed and angry. “What is that smell? Did you soil yourself again?” He pretended not to hear her. She moved his frail hands as she went to lift the blanket just when the young girl came back into the room. “Oh, just as I thought! Here, hold the blanket Mimi..” she motioned the girl to come and went on to start taking off his pair of trousers. He felt his face hot and he protested feebly, “Nonsense. Staying with all this terrible smell is more shameful than exposing your frail naked body for a few minutes. Now, lift your buttocks.”

He quietly did as told and looked vacantly at the old, white plastered wall across the room. The young girl giggled nervously as she lifted to blanket to cover him insufficiently as he was changed. He ignored her.

“Now, take this dirty clothes in a plastic bag over there and wash at home. Tell your husband to bring me another pair of underwear for your grandfather.”

He ignored the other patients and attendants watching him as he stood naked waist down by the bed. His older daughter changed the bed sheet presently and muttered under her breath.

When he was back on the bed, she sat next to him, “I talked to my sister about your hospital bill. She refused to pay anything! Not even a cent! And, you have written a will in my absence leaving everything to her!”

He could feel the anger and hatred in her voice.

“And now, your leech wife has sucked you all dried up, leaving you unable to even pay for your own hospital bills. Your only son hasn’t called once to check-up on you, your wife and other daughter washed their hands off you. And as usual, it’s all on me. I don’t have that much money to pay everything on my own. I don’t even know what to do now!!”

He knew she spoke the truth. “Then let me get out now.”

She struggled to keep her voice, visibly shaking as she replied, “We can’t just leave like that! We don’t have the money to even check out!!”

Quietly, he turned his heads outside the window. The sky was particularly clear, having rained a few hours ago. The setting sun had turned orange like a lit Chinese lantern, peeking from behind the cotton clouds in orange, yellow and purple hues. Beneath it were the dark green mountains and valleys that waited patiently with its dark yellowed rice-terraced patches and silver snake-shaped rivers. He took a deep breath as his eyes met with the first, lone silvery star.

He awoke several times during the night from nightmares he could no longer remembered when daylight came. His younger daughter offered him a banana and cup of tea for breakfast but he declined. Instead, he asked her to open the hospital window and stared outside. He noticed his younger daughter coming inside the room, but he ignored her.

“Father, its Rose.”

He turned to find his older daughter handing him the mobile phone. 

“Allo”

“Hello Grandpa! How are you?!”

Her voice was far and she was shouting on the phone. He could hear vehicle horns and noises at the background.

“Not good.”

“Yes, Mama told me. I’m sorry! I just came back from my field expedition. There was no phone coverage. Are they treating you well? Are you comfortable? Can you eat?”

He felt the sincere concern and care in her voice.

“Yes…”

“Okay. I am at the train station. I’m trying to book the ticket so I can come right now okay?”

 “Umm.”

“Mama told me you wanted to leave the hospital. Are you worried about the hospital bill? Don’t, okay? I will take care of everything, you just focus on your health and getting better okay? I’m here okay? Don’t leave the hospital okay?”

“Come..”

He felt his throat dry as his lips began to quiver, before finally exploding into tears as he listened to her voice. His daughters stared at each other confusingly as they watched their father cry publicly for the first time in their lives.

Mama

I was coming out of the airport when she spotted from afar. She waved at me excitedly and the joy in voice as she called out my name felt like a thousand radiating suns.

“My baby!”

I ran straight into her arms. She landed loving kisses on my face, ignoring the dissenting huffs and puffs from other people nearby. Her perfume brought back the familiar scent of safety I always felt. This was home, my only place on earth where I would forever feel safe. And this was my mother, my sun to the superwoman in me.

She chattered happily all the way home.

“Remember your favorite cookies from Mrs. Kimi when you were younger? I asked her to bake you the same yesterday. And I bought 3 boxes of them!”

It was no use telling her that I had cut off cookies from my diet to maintain my weight.

“Stop the silliness! You are home. Surely few cookies aren’t going to kill you.”

She had arranged my bedroom, called my brother and his family, brought my favorite food and had made all schedules and plans for my trip.

As she chattered away, Iadmired how beautiful Mama always managed to look. Although it had been a while since the last I saw her, it seemed to me that she still got everything – her beautiful smile, that glitter in her eyes, laughter in her voice and even her grey hair just added more depth and warmth to her seasoned face.

“So, how long are you going to stay this time?”

“Mama, again?!”

 I looked at her in mock annoyance.

“I already told you 3 times since we left the airport. And I had sent you an email and text messages. I will stay for 5 days and leave next Monday.”

“Oh yes, yes. Why can’t you stay longer this time? We have so much we can do together….” Her voice trailed off in veiled disappointment.

I explained again that I didn’t have many leave days from work but she was not listening anymore. She looked outside the window and pointed at the house. Her enthusiasm reminding me of how happy I used to feel when she came to pick me up from the boarding school for my summer vacation.

“See! Your brother and his family are waiting outside! Oh, they must have reached while I came to pick you! Oh, look at your nieces! They are so happy!!”

She jumped out of the car and rushed to hug her grandchildren before ordering my brother to carry my luggage. “And tonight, we will feast and enjoy my only daughter’s homecoming like there is no tomorrow!!”

When we sat the next morning for breakfast, I noticed there wasn’t the usual jam on the table. Mama checked her cupboard and fridge.

“I left it there yesterday before I came to pick you up. Someone must have touched it last night!”

Her mood became worse by the minute she unsuccessfully looked for the jam all over the kitchen. I tried to calm her down and said that I was happy with the butter.

“Nonsense, I got them especially for you yesterday! You must have them!”

We ended up calling all our guests from the previous day. Of course everyone proclaimed not to have seen the jam. Later, I discussed the same with my brother.
“She’s becoming forgetful. She will keep her stuffs somewhere and forget where she keeps them. And then, she will go around accusing everyone of stealing it until she finds them again.”

By middle of the week, the church’s preacher came to request her to lead the Sunday’s women worship program. Besides, it was the thing she had been doing there for ages. Mama was excited. She loved the church and had always been a regular.

“We should check the church on Saturday morning so I can check if things are in order.” She suggested while we had our dinner later that night. “And I would need to prepare. Oh, I am so excited!”

I noticed that she barely touched her food.

“Mama, did you have the soup I left for you today?” I interrupted as she talked excitedly about the program.

“Soup?”

“Yes, the one I made for you in the morning before I left the house? I kept in the fridge for you, remember?”

After her initial puzzled look, she smiled and waved her hand. “Of course, of course! Now, I was talking about what dress you would wear.”

When dinner was over and I opened the fridge, I saw the soup untouched and packed as I had left them in the morning.

 “Mama! You told me that you had the soup!! You lied!” She looked hurt, almost as if I had wrongly accused her.

She began to protest before realizing that I was serious.

“Oh that?! I wasn’t hungry. Now, come and see how this beautiful necklace you got me. It looks so beautiful on me. Oh, how envious will my friends be!”

I knew Mama enough that she didn’t want to continue the conversation.

I laid in bed that night wondering how Mama had been acting odd lately. She forgot her cup of tea that I left next to her, came to take my cup and left it in the bathroom – untouched; she had left the car keys in the flowerpot and later came home empty-handed when she went out to buy the bread.

“Maybe” I thought to myself, “Maybe Mama has….” I found myself refusing to finish my thought and went to sleep.

On Saturday, however, we couldn’t ignore it any longer. We went out after breakfast to go to this church she had been going for years. We ended up on the other side of town when she kept forgetting the lanes. In the end, we had to ask around people as she hadn’t updated her GPS for years.

“Mama, have something happened to you?”

I looked at her as she sat down angrily beside me on the pavement. She tried to reply me but her speech made no sense. She was fumbling with her speech, with no connections whatsoever. I could only get that she was disappointed in herself and questioning how she couldn’t remember the way.

“I am way too stressed. I shouldn’t have taken the church program!”

“We found the jam inside your clothes wardrobe, Mama. That was before the church program. That wasn’t totally a normal thing to do.”

“I told you for the 10^th times, it must be your naughty niece!! Stop bringing it up! You make me stressed.” She began to raise her voice, her hands clenching. She turned towards me, her eyes were red, ready to burst into tears any moment.

And that was when I saw it – my mother knew it and was she afraid, terribly afraid. No words need spoken when they were written in her eyes. She had known it for quite a while and had been trying to hide it from everyone. And now, she just couldn’t hide it anymore.

She had always been an independent woman, raising 3 children on her own while having a successful career in a male dominated service industry, she was the woman who retired with a badge of honor. She had been respected, loved and envied by others. She was educated, a pioneer in her own right and to her children, she had always been the rock. Yet, it struck her and she knew she was slowly losing her essence, her independence, her life. She was a proud woman who had always done things on her own. But, she knew it came to her too.  

I didn’t know how to react or what to say.

“Have you seen a doctor, Mama?”

After a long pause, she turned away from me “Yes, I went a year ago. He said I was fine.”

Sometimes you know that exact moment when the world you knew change right before your eyes, when that protective womb of security busted to left you out cold, naked and helpless.  

“Well, we need to go again. Because either he was wrong or it had progressed since you met him last.”

Then she turned towards me and cried on my shoulder.  

I had never seen Mama cried before, let alone held her as she howled, hiccupping as she cried.

She had been my fort, my ever strongest shelter in the storm. She had been my Mama – the one that could not break.

My mind was reeling with shock from the realization that my Mama was slowly forgetting me, that her memories were slowly fading away. And one day, she won’t even know who I was, or who she was. She would forget until there was just an empty shell with no knowledge of her surroundings.

What do you tell your protector when she instead cries with fear? What words of comfort do you give when you’ve always been on the receiving end? What do you do when words are all dried up in your throat?

 “I am afraid.” She looked at me. “I am afraid of what’s happening to me.”

We held each other in silent embrace. My mind drew blank and I felt like I was watching a movie in foreign language.

I kissed her cheek and I gently wiped her tears away.

“I am afraid too Mama.”

I moved her body from me and held both her arms with my hands. I smiled as our eyes met and remembered the words she used to tell me whenever I was afraid.

“But I know this one person in our lives who isn’t afraid. Shall we kneel down together and pray?”