Tiny Drops of Me - The Play and the Writer

I write to you, my dear

2011-12-16T16:51:00.002+05:30

Some say I write like a child with wanting words
With no eloquence, style or knowledge
Some criticize I write like a deaf woman’s dance
With no rhythm and no rhyme
I know not if these words will entice anyone
To feel as I do, or even understand
It may never be known, never be read
For I seek no fame, dime nor applause
But for one thing that I hold dear
To ease my heart and rest my mind
And most of all, I write to you, my dear.

Thank God its Friday!!!!

2011-12-16T10:25:00.000+05:30

Oh what a splendid day is Friday
For tomorrow will bring me my long-waited rest
Oh what a magnificent day it’ll be
I’ll sleep until noon and eat my breakfast in bed
There’ll be laughter everywhere
And my business suit will be tossed in the machine
We’ll go picnicking under the winter sun
And eat and play until we fall asleep
When evening comes, its popcorn and movies or even dance
For the next day after, we’ll rest some more!
My boss can pull out all his hairs
Trying to reach my switched-off phone
But what the heck, its my weekend off
And it ain’t gonna rain on my party day!!

Why I dont drink

2011-12-15T14:44:00.001+05:30

Another social shindig
And yet again, I stiffen up
My throat, they dry like dried wood
And my cheeks burn with nervous heat
They ask me yet again
To ease myself with ‘bit of wine
It’d help me fit in better
Help me talk smoother and dance merrier
Oh hell, flirt with that hottie saucier
But I just know too well
That I love like no other
Ride like no other
I’ll break my bones and scar my flesh
But, once I start,
I can never stop midway
So, ‘tis better I refuse
Better I don’t know at all
You see, my heart would be gay for a while
And my world would radiate colors
But in a while, my wings would weaken
And I’d need more drinks to fuel the high
Until I finally lose myself in a web of chase
So, I’d rather not start a war I’ll never win.

When Love Dies

2011-12-12T17:06:00.001+05:30

I wont say we were demons
We never wanted to hurt anyone
We’re just two people looking for love
We tried our best and gave our all
But here we are:
Smeared with each other’s blood
Scarred by each other’s hands
Where we find more faults and pains

We were once filled with hopes
Our eyes, they once gleamed like the sun
You were once my savior
And I was your joy like no other
But here we are:
Two strangers ready to kill
Where passions are left for only duels
That hurt the worst and cut the deepest.

When did our wings burnt under the sun?
How did we become enemies instead of lovers?
We promised each other love
But delivered each other hate
We find each other guilty
For our hurt and misery
When did our flames go out?
Where did we die?

Bored Out of My Brains Post at Work

2011-12-01T11:09:00.001+05:30

The Clock

Tick tock, tick tock
Tick tock, tick tock
And it goes on
Never too fast, never too slow
Always moving ahead
Always marching with the beat
It knows no enemy
It knows no friend
It hears nothing but of its own drum
Come pleasant weather
Come stormy days
It doesn’t cease working
And sings the same song
Tick tock, tick tock
Tick tock, tick tock

Haiku Poems

2011-08-26T10:19:00.000+05:30

Water

Water washes me clean
Yet my heart is bloody bruised
So I sit drenched still.
.......
Dark

I was lost at night
Then I saw a radiant light
It was you, my dear.
........
Cold

When you’re near me
I shiver, not out of cold
Can’t you tell me why??!
........
Bliss

To know no heartache
To feel no love nor hatred
How can that be bliss?
......
Desire

He gazes upon her
With yearning stronger than life
If only she knew!!
........

Purrrrrr

2011-06-17T15:59:00.002+05:30

The hours have past and the roosters crows yet, I hold on to you with all of me
You feel warm against me and make me purr with pleasure on the soft, warm bed
I pull you closer to me and wrap my legs around you
You stroke me tenderly while the church bell rings from afar
Outside, the sky slowly turns orange while dews leave for their heavenly abode
I knew you have to leave before it’s too late
I can hear footsteps towards my bed as I struggle to hold you closer
Can’t you be with me for just a little bit longer?
How I wish the world stops now while you are in my arms!
I want to scream, I want to fight, oh don’t go yet!!
Cant they see how precious this moment is?
But alas, she comes and shakes me fervently, until I open my eyes:
“It’s a beautiful day, get up love”,
My mouth feels too dry to open up and tell her these words:
“But I want to sleep, I want to sleep”

After Twenty Years

2011-06-11T19:16:00.003+05:30

Twenty years I've looked for you
I've hope against hope to find you alive
I've dreamt million times of the moment
When I'd hear your voice and see you
Twenty long years I've cried inside
And prayed to God to give me the chance
To find my answers to all these questions
I've saved all the unsent letters since you left
And kept your memories locked in my head
You were my grandest secret goal, my biggest mission
Now that I've found you after all these years
Its a shame to find out just what you are
And to know what a waste my search has been
My heart is broken and my soul is crushed
Instead of closure, there's more questions
I've opened a Pandora box and my closet to the light
Can this be the man who've brought me to the world???!!!
I hear your words yet they're are noise
You neither revere nor hold sacred anything
You speak in gold yet bequeath in air
I should have known, yet I've refuse to believe
After all, I'm just a daughter looking for her father
In a man who has never been and never will be.

A New Me

2011-05-11T16:59:00.003+05:30

I was shattered when you left
You took the only life I knew
While I withered in the ashes of our once bright world
But my tears have dried up and wounds have healed
And my world is now filled with bliss
And this time, I stand proud under the yellow sun
Before I spread my golden wings
And rise towards the clearest sky
While you pray for my golden feather
That I might drop from the sky above.

Childhood Memories

2011-02-02T11:59:00.003+05:30

I miss my walk home from school
And the view of the sunset from the mountaintop
I miss standing on its edge and spread my arms out
To embrace the excited, happy wind
I miss walking by the riverside barefooted
Over the smooth, cold stones
Jump over the rocks and climb to the highest spot
To dive straight into the waiting water below
I miss bathing under the waterfalls
And lying on the sand under the warm sun afterwards
I miss following my healthy uncles to the farm
And watch as they catch fishes from the river
While their girlfriends prepare tea inside the hut
And later pluck fresh vegetables and eat fruits from the trees
I miss listening to their amazing stories
As they carried me on their shoulders on the way home
I miss making paper boats when it rains
And race them with my friends in the drains
Slide down in the mud from the mountaintop
In our Sunday dresses only to get a huge scolding afterwards
I miss getting up before sunrise in the morning
And cycle to the open-field to count the stars before dawn
And play football only to chase the ball every few minutes
Down the mountain until the game’s over
And later play the greatest game in the world - marbles
I miss making sloppy tree-houses with my friends
Which we’ll later filled with all kinds of junks
And compete hard for the house ruler’s position
Hold mock-weddings in our made-up costumes
And mock-funerals for a dead bug we found on the road
I miss dreaming about who and how my life would be
And when a house made out of ever-lasting chocolate
Tops the best houses in the whole wide world
I miss hiding under the rose bushes for hours
In our hunt for the fairies in the garden
Yes, most of all I miss my simple life and dreams back then.

Unwelcomed Visitor in My Soul

2010-05-07T15:22:00.005+05:30

As I wade in deeper into my soul
To re-discover who or what I really am
Instead, I’m met with questions
Instead, I’m overwhelmed with surprise
Of unwritten letters, unsaid words,
Of story that ends before it begun,
Instead, I met you in the core of my soul.

And you’re everywhere I am,
Like a shadow that follows a man,
Like thunder that accompanies a lightning
And like guilt that haunts a sinner
You grip me by the throat
And stare into my eyes
Forcing me to look into yours
Until I give in to your indomitable force

But a fighter I am, resolute in equal denial
I shield my heart against you
To find myself as pure as can be
And emerge without a scratch of what surrounds me
Yet, you’re there entwined with my very soul
Paired for eternity, sewn to its very sinew
Unbreakable, inseparable
While silent echo of my unreturned love
Reflected in your ever staring emerald eyes

Here, even in my sacred journey to light
You are there, clear as a day
Even in my silence you won’t relent
As if my admittance will help me reach nirvana
And bring an end to my vicious circle of lies and pain
Your aura is embalmed all over me
To taunt, coax and force to look into my soul
And bear the ugly truth I have buried all this while

I am weary, tired and cold within
YES!! I LOVE YOU; I’ve loved you all along
With a love that expects none in return
Love that gives for the pleasure of giving
But where does this go?
How does it end?
To love someone without a word,
To suffer in silence and wait in darkness
To pray for a rainless cloud
When I die of thirst??!!

My Comet Lover

2010-04-18T22:40:00.002+05:30

Its been too long since I saw you
Now everything seems like a hazy dream
We've been so close
And now I don't even know where you are
How can I explain, you're my comet lover.
I refuse to let go of those memories
When you were near me and I near you
Our pictures' and your old handwritten letters
Are my only reassurances that you were real
What can I do, you're my comet lover.
Now I look at the sky and smile at the falling star
I close my eyes and try to picture you
Yet, all I get is this hollow feeling inside me
Will I ever see you again,
Will I ever hear you speak,
Will I ever look into your eyes
And find a way to let you stay
But how can I tell, you're my comet lover.

To Trade My Heart

2009-11-22T15:45:00.002+05:30

Tonight as I sit on the porch
After words ran out of our last conversation
I wonder how I have reach this far
Bartering an aching loneliness for this remorseful love
Chasing that unicorn that only bleeds me
Sweating all those years building that perfect dream
Just to watch it all crumble underneath my feet tonight
Yea, I could trade my heart for a stone now
Tonight as I watch you go away
After all those times of love and dream castles
I wonder how I could have let it on this far
Gambling all my young years for a handsome beast
Ignoring all those signs and little piercing words
Believing a lie than embracing the truth
Only to let myself fall harder in love with you
Till I lie here where words just cant explain
Yea, I could trade my life not to feel this way now..

Ticket to Age of Innocence

2009-11-04T18:17:00.002+05:30

In the midst of this race for twaddle green
That dress me chameleon for the prize
You called me out of the blue
With a time-clock in your stride
And take me back
To where roses smell like heaven
And clouds were never gray
When smiles were innocent
And sweet-talking was “Hello”
Where words were in jumbles
And crushes were ultimate gods
Suddenly decades seem so short
And nostalgic bittersweet wind
Gently blows my plastic heart
Back to that perfect world of innocence.

(Here's to dat long lost fren who found me again after decades and with whom I will now forever get a free ride to dat age of innocence.)

The Man I Love

2009-10-29T18:48:00.003+05:30

The man I love
Knows the secret language of my heart
And the dream in my eyes
The man I love
Stops the tears before they come
And catches me before I fall
The man I love
Reads my desires when words aren't enough
Colors my world rainbow
The man I love
Lifts me like a wind under my wings
And let me break free
The man I love
Starts with me a beautiful journey
And is my sunrise after a bitter cold night
The man I love
Is like a book I never want to put down
Which gives me my own world
Oh yes, the man I love
Is like no other.

(To a man who has been and will be many more of my inspirations.)

The Burning Ashes of Yesterday's Dream

2009-09-16T02:02:00.003+05:30

Like a piercing pain, it awoke me in the middle of the night. There was no sound except for the swirling fan and the sound of the little creatures singing in the night. My breath stopped as I waited like a dying deer, with this thirst in my throat and an emptiness in my heart. As I failed to miserably prolong the moment that just passed by, I realized, with a heavy heart and a heavier hopelessness that it was nothing but the burning ashes of yesterday's dream.
For a fleeting moment, he was there. And I was there. Right where it started.
Right where my heart felt truly alive. For a moment, it was eternity. For a flickering moment, it was bliss.
And then, faster than it had happened, it vanished.
Straight out of my realm.
Yes, right into the black hole where everything died.
His smile, his touch, his voice. Everything that he was.
Sleep eluded me like hundred times before.
So I went out into the balcony in order to calm myself.
The north star shone brightly while the rest of the stars seemed to neither exist nor alive.
"One star" I softly chuckled. "One heart".
My strength betrayed me as I struggled not to lose myself in my useless fantasy.
Yet, for once, I wished there was the real Venus, and her little son.
And I wished they had shot their little golden arrow straight to his heart.
He might then call, he might even wrote.
Yes, he might even came to see me.
There was nothing left for a dream that faded before the morning sun. There could be no emancipation for a life that never could be.
Yet, in the midst of it all, the dream that was burnt still kept its ashes alive and the heart that was broken still held to its broken threads of faith.
Who could ever say that a lover's heart be pragmatic and strong?
Who could ever scoffed at a man's hunger for life's meaning?
Thus, tho my rose was up-rooted before it even began to grow, in my loneliness, I watered its soil with my tears.

Behind These Facades

2009-07-01T10:04:00.002+05:30

Behind these million facades
I remember how you touch me
Behind these thousand smiles and frowns
I remember how you save me
Behind these nonchalance and pride
I remember how much I miss you
Behind these hundred coquetries
I remember how you defeat me
Behind these thousand talks and thoughts
I remember how you silence me
Behind these skepticism and reticence
I remember how you believe
Behind these hundred suitors
I remember how you stood out
Behind these soulful songs and dreams
I remember my dream with you
Behind these questions and lockets
I remember that I love you still.

I'm Never Gone (as long as u love)

2009-07-01T09:54:00.001+05:30

In this world where we have to be apart
And where, sometimes memories’ all we got
In this life where we go away
Leaving what we loved most
Where our choices are limited
And we’re powerless to circumstances
Where our will cripples and our spirit dry
Close your eyes for a moment
And call my name in your silent whisper
You’ll know that I’m never gone.

I’m the first ray of sunrise on top of a mountain
The cool shower on a hot summer day
I’m that soothing music you listen to
Just before you close your eyes in bed
A touch of faith when everyone doubts you
And a funny scene just when you’re about to burst into tears
Open your heart and stretch out your hands
You’ll know I’m never gone.

I’m your invisible super-hero
And un-named ‘imaginary’ friend
I’m your valentine when you have none
I’m to whom you crib your boss’ lousy acts
And your secret escapes from everything else
As long as you beat to the music of life
You’ll know I’m never gone.

In Your Eyes

2009-04-23T15:22:00.001+05:30

In your eyes, I can see the longings
That never fades after all has gone
It takes me back to those times we laughed
And times we built paradise in our dreams
And all these while, I’ve been asking myself
Where has all the good things gone
Who in its place is empty but for an ache
When in your eyes, I see where they are.

Raven Haired Beauty

2009-04-07T12:40:00.002+05:30

Why do you cry O my raven haired darling?
And why cover yourself in shame?
For thou know not these:
That thy cinnamon skin glows like teasing sun
Just before it sleeps in embrace of the eager sea
And thy black eyes spell divine magic
From the bosoms of the agile nymphs
Men from afar dream of thy curves
While thousands pine for that alluring smile
And thy velvety skin keeps them restless at night
Fair-skinned women and dark ones alike
Prayed for thy perfect blend of sensuous grace
That only the gods grant to thee.

For Amnesiac Angels Around The World

2009-04-07T12:37:00.002+05:30

There’s my imperfect angel
Who bleeds and fears like helpless caged being
His silent tears and prayers wrench me apart;
He runs like devoted race-horse
For those he came to vanquish
Begging whoever passes by for a morsel of love
Cursing heaven, praising death;
Waiting for a savoir that never comes
Oh, how do I tell my amnesiac angel
Of his blind stupor to the truth?
That his reflection shows a handsome angel
With strength of thousands, feared by all:
A loving heart who serves only the truth
Yet, he doesn’t know, he doesn’t know.
.......................................................................

Justice

2009-04-06T18:28:00.002+05:30

I prayed the other night for justice
Against all those who did me wrong
When he appeared before my eyes
A sinister, haggard and fearful old man
Aiming his blood-soaked club at me
Ready to strike, thirsty for blood
So I cried aloud, 'But who are you,
and arent you suppose to be just and gentle to the righteous?'
'Yes!' he nodded. 'Thats why I come to you;
For you are neither righteous nor understanding'
'But I was just in my cause' I pleaded
To which he answered, 'So were they'.....
Now with sober thought
I could only wonder, 'Whats really justice anyway?'

From The Trunk of Paradox

2009-04-06T18:19:00.004+05:30

I
MY ANGEL IN DISGUISE
The other day I went shopping at Karol Bagh with a friend. As always, the weather was humid and the crowd really suffocated me. After about 2 hours of roaming here and there in such condition, I was moody, dehydrated and tired. The noises were deafening, the beggars were downright irritating and the shopkeepers kept chasing us with their offers of ‘good bargain’.
As we were about to make our way out of the crowded market area towards where we’ve parked the car, I felt someone tucking at my shirt. I turned around to see this dark, malnourished and dirty boy of about 9-11 years old looking up at me.
My first assumption was that he was there to ask for alms, so I rudely told him, ‘No money, go!!!’
Instead of leaving, he quietly gave me a wallet explaining that my friend had dropped it and that he had chased us immediately after he found it, but we were quite difficult to catch up due to the crowd. He pointed the place where we had apparently dropped the wallet and I knew it was quite far.
We were shocked and immediately checked if anything was missing from the wallet. There was none missing. By the time we gathered our wits, the boy had already disappeared to wherever he came from.
I learnt my biggest lesson in humility that day.
II
THE SWING
I grew up with fairytales and all sorts of paranormal, extra-ordinary stories. And my favorites in all the stories always involve some sort of angels, wings or flying beings. So, naturally I was always fond of any kind of things that involves me with the wind brushing up against my skin, including swings, merry-go-rounds, giant-wheels, etc.
One day I came out with this really inventive idea of making a swing at our garden. As in the hills and mountain areas, our garden was also quite steep, but that didn’t deter me and my ever enthusiastic younger twin brothers. So after about 2 hours, we had this rope which two ends were tied to a branch of our mango tree. We were quite ecstatic with our ‘swing’ and although our butts really hurt when we sat on that single rope, it didn’t daunt us at all. As the eldest in the group and the ‘inventor’, I tried the swing. It worked. After, that each of us were given a turn of 10 pushes each on that swing.
Now, after one round of 1 turn each, I got really greedy and wanted more time on the swing. So, I took the swing and started swinging myself while standing up. My younger brothers were quite upset when I took more than the usual 10 pushes, and asked me for their turn. Instead, I told them that since I was the inventor, I should be allowed more time besides…
I never finished that sentence because the next thing I knew, I was rolling down our steep hill and landed with a loud thud at the bottom of our garden which was about 3 metres far. My brothers were laughing their heads off and it was the most difficult act to pretend not to be hurt and walk straight while my while body felt like it had just been run over by a truck.
I spent the next 3 days in bed while my younger brothers had the best time of their lives laughing at my expense.

A Silent Prayer

2009-03-31T16:11:00.001+05:30

I implore thee to appease my emotion
When all their voices cry against me
When my heart fails to forgive
Their unforgiving lies and gossips
And stop this hatred from flooding my heart
Which urges me to strike ‘em back
I implore thee to speak to me
With thy gentle words of wisdom and grace
To hold my ground and not to care
The heartless whispers behind my back
But to do what is true in thy eyes
And learn not to indulge in war of the fools
I implore thee for the patience
I needAnd the wisdom to walk in the light alone.
......................................................................................

Break the Silence

2009-02-04T12:28:00.001+05:30

So long we’re kept in this glass box
To watch as they set ablaze all our dreams and hopes
So long we’re chain within our fears
For the future of our children they destroy each day
So long we’re told of lies and frauds
While they take away our only possessions to rot
Innocent blood pays for the life of the sinners
We chose to lead us to glory and peace

But today, we’re not gonna take it
We’re not bear it, not gonna give it

We’re gonna…
Break the silence, put on the siren
Scream aloud against the sinners
We’re gonna..
Break the silence, wake the sleepers
Halt troopers of wolves in sheepsclothes
We’re gonna..
Show the real us, change the future
Break the traditions of hell’s soldiers
We’re gonna break the silence.

No more do we watch our friends die
In the hands of corrupted pigs who think they’re god
No more do we wait for a’ savior
Who change to our nemesis the moment he takes the’ seat
No more do we sit idle here
As they rain abuse and rape our women and children
Call us names and drown our cries to sound of money
Steal our freedom, rights in the name of law

But today, we’re not gonna take it
We’re not bear it, not gonna give it

We’re gonna…
Break the silence, put on the siren
Scream aloud against the sinners
We’re gonna..
Break the silence, wake the sleepers
Halt troopers of wolves in sheepsclothes
We’re gonna..
Show the real us, change the future
Break the traditions of hell’s soldiers
We’re gonna break the silence.

We shall rise and stand against our perpetrator
We shall overcome injustices around us
We shall strike and kill the beast together
Coz…
today, we’re not gonna take it
We’re not bear it, not gonna give it

We’re gonna…
Break the silence, put on the siren
Scream aloud against the sinners
We’re gonna..
Break the silence, wake the sleepers
Halt troopers of wolves in sheepsclothes
We’re gonna..
Show the real us, change the future
Break the traditions of hell’s soldiers
We’re gonna break the silence.
..........................
(Song Lyrics I've written for a band)

REAL GOLD

2009-02-04T11:30:00.004+05:30

If I am a fastidious, incisive lass
Who they declare should get a lesson
That’ll rein in my freedom from their social norms
If my remarks are considered contempt
For those who can’t understand why I choose to stay as I am
Let all know that I am the Magnum opus of god himself
Who neither shivers nor cry in fear
And bear the brunts alone from my own mistakes
I am the real gold hidden beneath the bronze
And the disguised goddess the oracle sung of
I’d rather drink the bitter taste of solitude
Than hear the sound of their bowels filled with filth
For I aint those men who dreams “feat” the size of their mouth
But who sets to defeat the gods from Olympus
I pay no heed to what mere mortals do
But live to write the greatest story ever told
Few men will cross the seas, fewer men the mountains
But in the end, is my destined throne from the beginning of time.
.......................
(For the lone warrior amongst millions of the defeated.)

Holy War

2009-01-29T19:13:00.001+05:30

I must’ve been asleep when the world decides to change
Coz when I wake up all I see is wars and chaos
My neighbor just shot my only love to death
And I realize I’ve been chained to the ground
I see a preacher raping a young girl of eight
And no one pays attention to a bomb on the little boy’s waist
Bloods splutter while limbs are thrown all over
While men in black are staring at their white papers
For a green they’ll never give to any
As long as they wear their Yves Laurent glares
With Rolex watches and diamonds around their necks
To damn with neighbours, sons or daughters lives
Sodom and Gomorrah is here today
And we’re building our own hell
For a kingdom that only takes away our soul
Yeah, I must’ve been asleep when the world decides to grow
Coz all I see is immoralities and frauds
The trumpet calls for the sleep to be awake
And the time is here for the holy war
A war without blood, but against ignorance
Of the long lost harmony we left in Eden.
..........................

Spring

2009-01-06T14:14:00.000+05:30

A spring I seek with grasshopper’s yearn
When white snow melts in scent of roses
Where butterflies kiss crimson petals’ mouth
And tranquility arrives to this haggard soul
Who, on blades of grasses barefooted swan
And bop in glee to serenades of breeze
No longer distress at sight of lover doves
Nor with anguish buried deep within her bosom
A spring I seek in my lover’s embrace
And its joy in his gentle care.

War and Love

2009-01-06T12:04:00.001+05:30

A war I should’ve chosen over peace;
Why, when there’s no chance of trust broken
A fight I should’ve encourage over care:
Hatred I should’ve accepted over love
Who in all its fury is purer to the core:
A bitter world than to this illusion of beauty,
Solitude than broken dreams of togetherness;
But for love I have sacrificed;
And now I am, but a breathing specter.

A Princess' Nightmare

2009-01-06T11:47:00.001+05:30

The princess sighs at the sight of her knight
A shining armor and a white-winged horse:
A dazzling smile with strong shoulder
Like the magnificent Apollo himself,
“Come ride with me, my fairest damsel;
To the land of the sun I shall betrothed thee”
Her heart elevates as she steps out of her castle
Like stardusted teenager on a first date
Her tears fall down as she gazes upon him
Why, there is another princess at his back!!

To the Unfaithful

2009-01-06T11:40:00.003+05:30

I am a woman but don’t get me wrong
I neither cling nor cry for the death
My love is proud with all its worth
I’d rather lose than being a fool
For love will come like sun after rain
Like the sky can’t be hidden by the clouds
How can I close my eyes for long?
Isn’t this freedom what you’ve envied?
And the chase what you've dreamt of?
So be free to stage your quests
And act merry for all its worth
We both know who you are when you're alone
And, dat remorse is yours alone.

Heartache

2009-01-06T11:14:00.000+05:30

‘Tis a gamble to fall for the wind
That blows to all directions without a thought;
‘Tis waste to try and hold the sun
For all you get is a burning ache;
‘Tis pain to love a river
While the calm of a lake is what you desire;
‘Tis cruel to give your heart to a man
Who knows but only his desires alone.

Bird and Tree

2009-01-05T18:31:00.000+05:30

My heart is a willow upon a hill
With smear of sufferance from golden cage
While pursed up with pride of being loved
Somehow I ween it might astray
For ‘tis not long before the wind calls
For the flight of this eager, restless wraith
Pray, is there a way to chain the star
And keep it hidden beneath your breast?

Father and Son

2009-01-05T18:12:00.000+05:30

When you’re alone I am with you
And when you fall, I hold you close
I trace your every step with affection
And play you sonnet of love lullabies.
I sacrifice all that I have
To be with you for all times to come
When you long for someone who care
And wish to leave this world for good
I hold out my arms for you to see
Yet, you chose to close your eyes.
I paint my faithfulness in the sky
And write on the sands and seas
Hoping that somehow you’ll understand
Yet, I am invisible to you.
Day and night I pray that you’ll remember
Who you really are and why you’re here
Yet I am just another tales from the ancient world.

Hidden Evergreen Garden

2009-01-05T14:45:00.005+05:30

There's a side of me that no one knows exist,
Part of me that's beautiful and true;
A pot of gold that's protected from the world
And which I know is mine alone.
There's a song that only I can hear'
And a fire that keeps me safe and warm;
A hand that guides me in times of trouble and tears
Which will always be for me.
There's an invisible crown upon my head,
That shines like the morning sun,
And wings of joy that raises me high in the sky;
There's a friend with me at all times,
Who loves and accepts me as I am,
There's an evergreen spring in my garden,
Even amidst the cold winter fury;
And a caretaker named Jesus Christ.

If A Day Comes

2009-01-02T11:17:00.002+05:30

If a day comes when I am far from you
When our story is set in the coldest winter
With no sight of spring;
If a day comes when doubts surround us
And all we know is temptations’ call
I pray that we remember what we are today.
If a day comes when love turns sour
And ‘tis easier to break than to mend;
When we look at the horizon with gloom
While our hearts faints to the ground
I pray that we remember our vows today.
If a day comes when my beauty fades
And your excitements retract to oblivion
When I am but just an ordinary woman
With no boon, health nor fame
I pray that you still feel the way you do today.

This New Year

2008-12-31T11:36:00.002+05:30

This New Year, I will not cry for you but go forward to live a life of my own;
love the man in my life and build new dreams,
change my curtains and throw away the gifts,
watch the sunset without tears in my eyes:
learn not to get emotional when things don’t work my way,
take the garbage out without remembering you,
bring out and use your china teacups,
let people sit on the brown couch you loved:
and clean my closet without a thought.
This New Year I will smile and laugh without guilt,:
dance and sleep without these silent screams;
and wish the sunrise without this loneliness.
This New Year, I will be stronger and maybe somewhere;
I will learn to forget what you’ve taken away but remember who you’ve found in me.

December Night

2008-12-30T10:39:00.001+05:30

I engrave your mirth in my mind
When you held me in your loving embrace
I didn’t know then
Just how I would lose you
I stare at our pictures in a frame
Our eyes still burn with flames of love, ecstasy and delight…
Your handwritings in the letters is still the same
Where you pledged your eternal love
And our coded affirmations of loyalty
I think of us, of who we used to be
Far away from this pride and self-protection
No matter who or what we pretend to be
We know, deep within us
There’s just you and me
Lonely in this cold December night.

Silent Loneliness

2008-12-29T16:01:00.000+05:30

Inside I’m like lyrics of a forgotten melody,
And there’s none to witness this hidden truth
My tears have dried and so have my hopes
Yet, I long for your loving touch.
When life brings joy, I think of you
I tell you silently of how much it means to me
And when I am alone, my soul cries for you.
When I pass you by with another girl
I laugh and pretend not to care
While heaven knows just how my heart breaks
I wish I can share this longing in my heart
Yet each day I live another lie
I am tired, alone and cold
Yet in your eyes is worst of what I feel
Your pleasures and whims of torturing me
Never seems to run out of tune
Where and how did we turn into strangers?
And how can I tell this pain it cause me
Each new day brings me more longings
Of what we have forsaken long ago
And each moonlit night only mirrors my loneliness
How can I tell you just how much I care?
And how can I let you know
Just how much I wish
To be back where I really belong?

Alone

2008-12-10T12:52:00.004+05:30

My feet are heavy and my sight is blurred
On this cold winter night
I shiver in silence
My path is uneven before the killer's glare
While strange voices whisper in the mist
Why do I have to be alone?
My spirit whithers and lament my days
I am dejected, forgotten and desolate
I hear a footstep approaching fast,
So I run till I'm out of breath and fall
I close my eyes fearing the worst
A gentle hand touch my face instead
Yes, you have found me,
Never to be alone again
Like this cold winter night.

Walk With Me

2008-12-10T11:31:00.002+05:30

When couple wed, they make a vow,

"In good times and bad, so shall I love thee"

Do we call fair when 'tis broken

The vow that keeps two together as one?

When the night is pitch-black and cold

When all I feel is but your presence

When temptations soar and hopes are gone

Walk with me with thy gentle care.

When life triumps or disasters

Meet me on each cross-roads

And blind me from thy love

Walk with me to hold my hand.

Fighting Foes

2008-12-09T17:38:00.005+05:30

"By your patience possess your soul" Luke 21: 19
When I met a car accident a year ago, it took me some months to get over the trauma. Each time I saw a car, I remembered being trapped inside the wrecked car, trying hard to open the door, the smell of blood, dust, gas and someone shouting at me to get out of the car before it got blown off.
It was difficult for many people to understand my 'irrational fear' each time someone drives a car above 60km/h. "You see" I would tell them over and again, " I was in a car accident a year ago and..." Very few actually listened through.
Last night, I sat down to study math. I couldn't get the calculations right and each time I checked the answer, I had to re-do my whole calculations. One mistake, one small error and everything changed. By the time I was on my fifth calculations with the same wrong result, I was so frustrated, I went to watch TV instead. Patience isn't easy for me.
I know all the theories about patience that I can write a book on it. And examples, I have thousands. Yet, to implement this one word into my life is like trying to synchronize an orchestra of the very sinews of my life. And that, is tough.
I am worried about my January exam and each time I am alone, I count the number of days left for the dreaded day. Yet, I can barely sit to study for few hours. The scripture is full of patient people and Abraham, the 'Father of Faith' was called so because of his immense patience and faith. I, on the other hand rely more on luck and wishful thinking. That itself becomes my greatest foe. At the same time, I keep telling myself, "Hey you already got a degree and a job, what else do you want more? Isn't this enough?" or "You're not going to get through anyway"and those sort of feeling.
This time around, I try to help myself as much as I can and although its hard, I believe that the very fact that I am healthy and fine is God's fulfillment of His part, and the rest if the slogging is my part of the deal. Yup, not to be complacent about so much. But then again, "If fate means you to lose, give it a good fight anyhow." And as I open my thick, seriosly depressing book again, this is what I tell myself, "Patience."

Half Full or Half Empty

2008-12-09T15:43:00.002+05:30

"And the Father Himself, who sent me, has testified of Me. You have neither heard His voice at any time, nor seen His form.

But you do not have His word abiding in you, because whom He sent, Him you do not believe. You search the scriptures, for in them you think you have eternal life; and these are they which testify of Me. But you are not willing to come to Me that you may have life" John 5: 37-40.

The other day I met a friend who just lost her husband in an accident. She's just 20 years old and has been married for only about 6-7 months before her husband died. I didn't know what to say or how to help her in such calamitous situation. They loved each other so much and all of us thought nothing will ever come between them. Life, proved us all wrong.

As we sat down, I tried my best to talk to her as normal as possible. I didnt want her to feel weak nor did I want her to think that I didnt care. It was an awkward situation.

I went home thinking about my life and how trivial everything seems when your greatest hope and love is taken away and how easy it is to become cynical and bitter, to let rage, helplessness and sadness limit our lives to just ourselves, point of view and experiences instead of coming out of our shell.

A few months ago, I got this opportunity to apply for a position that I have always dreamt of since I was 10 years old. As I got through the rounds of interviews, my hopes and desires rose with each success. I just needed to get through my final interview and I was filled with hope. "The time has come" I told myself and told all my friends and family to pray for my success. We prayed alot, and I started planning my life around my dream. "God is with me" I ebulliently told myself. Then, the result came. I didn't make it.

I stopped praying after that. I have never felt so cheated in my life before and I was angry, hurt and ashamed.

"How could He does this to me?"

My faith was shaken to such an extent that I didn't want to speak to Him again. Ever. And yes, I hated Him.

Its easy to blame everyone around us when things didnt go our way. In our hurt, its easy to close our eyes to the spirit of comfort, understanding and peace. And in our madness, we let ourselves stuck. And its easy to believe revenge in any form or way is the solution.

Today, I still don't understand why God didn't help me. And I have to admit, I still feel hurt. But, I also realized that I wanted to get out from this captivity. I learnt to admit defeat, rejection and failure. And by doing so, I learnt to slowly let myself free.

We hope and wish in good things, we dream beautiful things and salvation from our tribulations. We expect smooth, untarnished life because, we tell ourselves that we deserve it. Because, we have waited so long for this to happen.

Instead, the Savior was born in a manger, to a family of a carpenter with no good education. Lets not our disillusionment and disappointment miss our own savior. Instead let this find our own savior within ourselves, our powers within. Let this be a chance to find who we really are and what we are capable of.

Faith and Exam

2008-12-04T18:23:00.004+05:30

"Faith, faith" I tell myself. Yet I feel more certain each passing day. And my doubts only increase in myself. Is it so important that someone validate my capability or luck, for that matter? If so, why Oh why?
If not, WHY do I feel this way?
I have been lucky enough to live this long and get through every trials with luck. I have always been able to sail through the deadliest storms because I feel I am not alone, that even in my disbelieve, someone believes in me. Someone like my mom.
But that has all changed. Now, I feel more alone than I have ever been. I feel helpless, unprepared and dumb.
Most importantly, I feel my faith in my God dwindling to cinder dust. Not because He changes, but because I did. And I keep asking myself, "Now that I have done God so wrong, will He help me at all?"
Yes, I know He is God who doesn't repay anyone, espicially me according to my deeds. Yet, I so don't deserve it. At the same time, I wish for that one more shower of blessings, one more act of mercy. Not because I deserve it, but because He can and wants to.
I feel like the blind man Jesus healed. Infact, now I understand his feelings.
My only prayer is that He will answer me, "Yes, I want to" and help me.
That will be my showers of blessing, my over-flowing potion of mercy.
Praise His name.

Phantom

2008-12-03T18:24:00.001+05:30

He’s my nonpareil refuge from the obstreperous world
Who, with his sanguine smile makes everything copacetic and calm
And when he’s far I feel like a sere old leave
Who can’t but help vacillate in this helpless, turgid winter
That enmeshes me with vengeance from hell
Lo, I wait with baited breath of his return.
............................................

Jealousy

2008-11-12T16:27:00.002+05:30

There it twinges right thro’ my core again
While my eyes seethes with fire
My voice is cold as ice in winter
And my heart as cruel as death itself
She is my sister, my own beloved blood
Yet her achievements tear the sinews
Of every strands of love and affection
She isn’t better in any little way
Yet she seizes my opportunity before my very own eyes
And soaks herself in awe and admiration
While I toil hard and anonymous
In a barren land full of vultures and crows;
I try to fight this lonely battle courageously
Until I see her laughter in joy
Alas, I hate to feel this emotion
Yet, it grows stronger everyday!
..........................

Clouds in the Sky

2008-11-07T19:15:00.002+05:30

How vain I’ve tried
Yet how much I crave
To hold you close
And kiss your lips
To cage your mind
And have you whole
Until time forgets its essence
And the boundary between
Heaven and earth is discovered.
How weary my hope
Yet how much my reverie
To bask in solace of your embrace
And drink the nectar of your love
How futile and imprudent is
To try to seize clouds in the sky
And how insolent my heart can be
Falling for you
All over again.
(For all those who loves to hate falling in love.)

The Lust We Fought For

2008-11-07T18:52:00.003+05:30

The lust we fought for in now just a pile of ash.
The lust we fought for was a lie to it's very last.
The lust we fought for burns in my memory every night.
The kust we fought for wasn't worth it's own right.
The lust we fought for seemed so out of control.
The lust we fought for only needed us to grab ahold.
So the lust we fought for wasn't lust at all.
Indeed it was love that made our great fall.
The lust we fought for keeps me crying at night.
The lust we fought for has me praying to turn it right.
The lust we fought for makes me miss you more.
The lust we fought for broke my heart to it's core.
The lust we fought for brings out a million tears.
The lust we fought for challenged all of my fears.
So the lust we fought for was the pain i deserved to face.
Indeed it was love from that magically beautiful place.
The lust we fought for is now gone up in flames...
Because I now know that the lust we fought for was real all the same.
(This is a poem by Erin Grantham which I found on one of the sites I browse through. It is one of the most beautiful poems that I've ever come across and so beautifully written that I have to share it)

Soldier

2008-11-07T18:18:00.003+05:30

As he stands before the mirror
A soldier looks back at him
He wears the armour of nonchalance
And pride smears across his face
His gait is strong, tall and confident
And to the world he plays his part
A soldier that never loses a war:
He carries his gun and kills without a blink
The world rests its life on his hands
And goes to sleep knowing he’s there;
Moving forward without fear and regret
A soldier that refuses to fall:
Yet in his hidden eyes
He alone knows why
Days are so empty and nights’ so long
When a wrenching pain
Shoots him from each side
Defeat is an alien to his role
Yet he stumbles and search for a light
Praying for salvation to his own battle
He loses each time against her betrayal
On that fateful night.
(This is for all the soldiers who has to fight the losing battle with the illogical heart.)

Heaven

2008-11-07T18:04:00.000+05:30

Heaven, oh heaven
Where arth thou?
I gaze at the sky
Yet thou aren’t there
And clouds marvel in harmony
Of this simple question I enquire
Heaven, oh heaven
To whom I convey all my wishes
And pray me, when each morn and night
I sought your refuge
Only to sigh
Heaven oh heaven
Where arth thou gone?

October Star

2008-11-07T18:03:00.001+05:30

I’ve never been the lucky one
Always struggling to be contend with the second best
Though I dream of fame and riches,
I know in my heart just how far they shine,
Until one October night I catch a falling star:
And though his light will shine upon someone else,
I bask in tender dream of delight;
As I am lifted to the milky ways,
Where angels dances in ecstasy
And the world bows in submission
For once I am truly blessed.

When She's Gone

2008-11-03T00:46:00.000+05:30

She's been gone for just a while
To ease her head and renew her love
Thats' what I've told myself
Over and over again
Alas, when she's gone
Its easier to believe a lie
Than live this truth that refuses to cure
My friends turn foes
And dreams into nightmares
While all seems to forget
I chose to linger and wait
Tho in my heart I hear and see
But miracles somewhere might be mine
No, this wretch soul should no longer ponder
And fly it must to sky above
Yet, my feet are firmly rooted to the ground
While dry tears in abundance provide its need
My mind is smeared in anguish void
As my memory drowns me in quiet demise
I choke myself under this crashing world
Calling out her name in my fading breath....

(Who says love is easy, but hey I know you can do it. Well take this as my condolence and..welcome back to the market. I hope you like it, you know who u are, so there..lemme know what ya think aite. Dont worry about this note, I'll take 'em down if ya dont like it. Ya a grt person, so wont be trouble hunting anyway..lolz)

2008-11-03T00:15:00.000+05:30

I was told not to walk with my heads in the clouds,

Taught not to get thro life with my heart;

"You have to be practical" they'd say

"Or you lose everything you hold dear"

So for long I was practical,

Not understanding what it meant

And then you came to me;

You've taught me to lose with a smile

And die with hope ever in my heart

Wings of Wishes

2008-11-02T23:16:00.000+05:30

As I make a wish to a falling star tonight
I close my eyes and think of you
Tho' the earth beneath chockles in silence
And unseen creatures snigger in disbelief
An ache so deep arises within me
That transcends any realms ever known
Thrusting deeper into the abyss of desire
While my soul screams a silent cry
And my body trembles in unison
I scamper on the murky wings of wishes
Till I land in your arms
Like the bejeweled dancing lights from above
Where as you softly whisper in my ear
Of those that the gods envy
Our hearts we rested
In each other's loving embrace.

(This is for all that one person in particular who goes out to watch the stars or just outside at night and think a lot. May the falling stars shower us our wishes tonight..:-) )

Do You Miss Me?

2008-11-01T00:39:00.000+05:30

The smell of winter is in the air
And the new moon in the dark sky
I look above and ask myself
Do you miss me at all
I lie down on my bed
And stare at the ceiling
Theres just a faint hint of light
From the streets below
I heave a sigh and ask again
Do you miss me?
I go to work and watch the road
As they glide by underneath my feet
Time flies by so quickly
I feel a tuck in my heart
Do you miss me?
I sit with friends at my favorite place
And we laugh and talk
Like theres' nothing missing
Untill I silently ask myself
Do you miss me?
I write this note
When everyone is asleep
I keep awake each night
Thinking of the same question
I could've thought better
Or place them more proper
Yet, my heart only echoes
Do you miss me?

Remember Me

2008-11-01T00:12:00.000+05:30

I dont ask for diamond or gold
Nor do I want you to write my name
On every tree that you pass by
I dont ask for fancy clothes or shoes
Nor a treat each time on your pay day
No, I dont really need all that anyway
But this I pray to you
Holding to your sleeve
Please remember me
Remember me when you laugh with your friends
Or when you cry alone at night
Remember who we used to be
When all we have is each other
Remember those times when we hold hands
And run down the hills with wind on our faces
Remember those times you hold me close
And kiss me till we feel stupid
Remember my voice when you need someone to talk to
And need a friend to believe in you
Remember me when the world turns dark
And you feel all alone
Remember to let me stay in your heart
To give you warmth
Remember me and all that I am to you
And remember that you're always within me.

A Little Thing called Love

2008-10-31T23:47:00.000+05:30

I look outside my window tonight

And wonder why sleep eludes me

I search for a logical reason

To understand this sudden pain in my chest

I wonder why I get easily angry

And whether I should just laugh or cry

I search for a solution

To this state that I am in

And then I think of you

Before you came I was alright

But now that you're here

Safely gaurded between my twin towers

Locked up from all things outside

I ask myself what you could be

That brings so much pleasure

Yet so much pain?

You've open my deepest secret chamber

And now I am laid bare

My feisty spirit can never bow down

To an unknown stranger

And crown him its king

Yet, in the midst of this storm

I lost that line that divides mine from yours

Till I can’t but only open my arms

To embrace your soul into mine

And lo, I’ve just lost myself to you.

I Miss You

2008-10-31T16:11:00.000+05:30

I miss you when when the sky is all blue
And the whistle blows at a distance
I miss you when I turn on the Tv
And see lakes with white sands
I miss you when I see someone sipping tea
And when I drink strawberry milkshake
I miss you when I walk barefoot on my carpet
And run my hands on its intricate designs
I miss you when my phone rings at late nights
Waiting for someone to whisper on the other end
I miss you when I put on my shoes
And feel the orange sunrise on my skin
I miss you when I take out my camera
I miss you when people talk of their accidents
And show me their scars
I miss you when I watch people sleeping
And more so when I'm next to them
I miss you when I'm alone
And remember the warmth of your skin
I miss you when I close my eyes
And feel the gentle lingering taste of your mouth
I long to hear you call my name again
And your strong embrace
I miss everything about you
And pray that you're here with me again.

Dream in the Fall

2008-10-29T21:45:00.000+05:30

"What makes you think that he's better than the rest of other guys?" A cynical thought keeps on nagging her. Yet, theres just something that makes her want to write the story as much as she can, as far as possible. And for the rest, she leaves that to the universe.
She askes herself at times about the whole thing and the futility to the whole situation. She has seen quite number of men, experiences few heartburns and occasional serious pains that, had she allow them to could have totally ruin her whole life. So she knows where she's going and can predict most of the relationship before they even started in the beginning. She has learnt to control her emotions and let her logical mind wins most of the time.
Then she meets him, a man who's just the person she knows she should not get too close, a man she doesnt want to allow herself to trust, not because he is unworthy of her trust, but because life has taught her otherwise. A man she knows will only complicate her life for another few months of her life, adding another line to her lists of "Donts".
She's always has that groups of butterflies flying around her, the easy ponies to ride on whenever she likes and it has always been easy to hop on one of a small, comfortable ride till she gets bored and get off to take the walk alone on the green grass or into the woods at times.
But here he is now, standing before her with that teasing, taunting eyes on his face, challenging her to take one ride, somehow promising her of an adventure...an adventure that may be too short, nevertheless an adventure she'll remember till her dying days.
She choses to take on the challenge and go for that one adventure.
The adventure, it turns out is bitter-sweet.
And it makes her think all the kind of things she hasnt thought of in a long time, of going all the way out and risk for one more day of the experience.
"Humans and their greed. One good time is never enough, and they'll go to the end of the earth, risk their all for something they have no idea will ever give them returns they want" the gods whisper to each other and she looks above to smile at them.
Thats the only thing she can do in return, just smile back at the gods.
He is the rare white unicorn in the forest, one of a kind, fickle and fast, extremely unpredictable, yet gentle to be on, and full of mysteries.
She feels sad that she has only one chance to ride with him, yet as she watches him vanish into the deeper part of the forest, she tells herself that if the forest wants them together, he'll come back or she might go deeper into the unknown part of the forest to find him waiting for her..or maybe, she'll find something better than the white unicorn, something she hasn't known yet.
Life, for her atleast is full of mysteries and one experience like hers makes living it worthwhile.
Will this be the end, or just the beginning?
She looks to the gods above her and this time they only smile at her.

Twilight

2008-10-20T21:02:00.000+05:30

Come closer and kiss me
Hold me tightly like you'll never let go
Run your fingers thro my hair
And drown my fears in your soft whisper
Lay with me here to count the stars
Race with me to the world far away
And caress my skin with your love
Hush my doubts to sleep
And tell me we will fight this out
That come tomorrow you will still be here
Tell the earth to stop spinning
Coz I don't want this night to ever end
To be right where I belong
Lock your heart with mine
And throw the key into the ocean
Stay by my side till the end of time
And clear the clouds in our sky
Don't leave me all alone
To spend this hollow life without you
We've been so many ups and downs
How can you give up this time?
You've said we would stand the test of time
That after the storm
We will hold hands still..
Tell me that you'll always be mine
And that whereever you go
I am a part of you like you're to me

Scarlett Letter

2008-10-20T20:47:00.000+05:30

So you thought you could win easy
Without a single scar or pain
To plunder and left wasted
Just coz I believe you so.
Now that I have seen thro' you all
I hold my cards close to my chest
And step in the scene with your blood on my mind

So you thought you're smart
For a naive girl without guidance
Tis sad to know how fast you tied the rope
Without checking whats' on the other side

And as you fall to your demise
I'm singing you this funeral sone
As we watch your dreams crashing
I'm giving you this white rose
You got only yourself to blame
I hope thats' your antidote
Coz everyone pays their price

I love the blood flowing down your chest
And savors the pain written across your face
I wish you have more hearts that I could hurt
And choke you till you're about to die
Your misery is my healing light
Bringing an end to what you've done.

Blind

2008-10-20T20:34:00.000+05:30

I know the game you're playing
Tho' each step hurts more than my last
I hold on giving you my best
Hoping that somehow I might succeed
In letting you know
That I am what you've been looking for

You take pride in your kill
And boasts of how many hearts you've broken
At times, I want to see you hurt
Just so you understand what it feels like
And this pain of carrying on
What I could've thrown away long time ago

I close my ears and blind myself
To all the voices and signs to back out
Clutching to all of faith I can gather
And no matter how much I'm told
I still can't learn to let go
But I have never had in the first place

You keep up your pretences and acts
While I do mine just so with hope
So if tomorrow you could be mine
Completely, wholly and willingly.

This Short Life

2008-10-20T19:47:00.000+05:30

I got the shock of my life when my collegue called me in the morning to tell me that our office boy who's barely 19/20 years hung himself in our office caffeteria. I didn't know how to react. All I could feel was this really horrible feeling within me that I just couldn't put into words. My tears didn't fall, instead it stung me deep within so hard that all I could do was just breathe and be silent.
I couldn't stop thinking if I could've done something to prevent this. I knew how pointless it was to mull and cry over something I can't change, yet I'm just human to not think about it. And worse of all, during the past 3 days (i.e, on friday, saturday n sunday) I kept getting calls from my office number and each time I picked up, the other person on the line would cut the line. And I couldn't help but think if it could be him, trying to tell me something. My heart churned within me so bad.
I have known this kid for only about 3 and half months. But he was really this cute, handsome and funny kid that he made me wanted to protect him. He liked me alot and felt really comfortable with me and despite the corporate stringent customs, I felt like his elder sister. He was alone in the city and was naive and hilariously innocent. He told me all about his dreams and what he wanted to be and most importantly he trusted me.
I noticed about sometime ago that he was not so happy. I even asked him and gave him my phone number, telling him that if there was anything he wanted to discuss with me or even if he wanted to go out and explore the city, I would take him around whereever he wanted to go and introduced him to people within his age groups. He said he would call.
I didn't go to work on friday. So, I don't know, I cant stop thinking if it would make a difference if I were there. He was just a young kid and all alone, not having any real friends. I feel like somehow I have failed to protect him. And it kills me.
Though I know I did my best to make him feel that he's not alone and make him feel like theres' someone he could' ve trusted, he died anyway.
I don't want to blame myself or anyone, yet I had been there and came out of suicidal thought and I have promised myself that I would try my best to save people and make others happy and you know, help them over-come their problems. And I knew something was not right. But I was too absorb with my work, I cared too much about how to do my job better that I didn't pay enough attention to someone who was next to me silently crying out for help. How could I have not seen that? Why didn't I care enough? Gosh, it hurts so much.
And the poor stupid boy had no idea what he did to himself. He's definetly not going to heaven and that means I'm never going to see him again, forever. Gosh, my heart, my heart.....

Height and Shame

2008-10-16T18:39:00.000+05:30

He stands a feet away
When I spot him with his bright white shirt
Tall as a giraffe and gay as a butterfly
You see, I flee with a throb in my heart
Here is not the man I want to be seen with.
My 4 inches killer boots can't salvage my pride
Nor gives comfort to my dying esteem
Theres no denial of how a dwarf I feel
Besides him there smiling at me.
His turquoise eyes inquires silently
To understand my fiesty silent snigger out of shame
Oh how can I tell my discomfort?
Though deep within I know is true
That his heart is big as much as he
And despite how odd we look together
I please him way heavier
Than all the charming fairs he gathers
I can't but think of how our life would be
To stand on a table each day just for a kiss
And sprain my neck for all times to come.
He is such a fine treat for sore eyes to feast on
And a gentle giant that loves to joke around
I can't but decline all his endeavors
And all because I have too small a frame.

Game in the Mind

2008-10-16T17:15:00.000+05:30

As he hangs up the phone, he smiles to himself. Life, is easy is played right without emotions. She naively believes him and he loves to watch her fall painlessly, recklessly and slowly in love with him.
"What can I do? I have warned her."
You see, there can be no obligation or guilt when you tell her everything she needs to know and she still comes to you. Your heart is hidden somewhere, in some place long time ago and you've lost that key to someone who is no longer with you. So you can never get it back. Not that you wish to anyway. You're not ready to chase the butterfly and land in a ditch again.
He will entertain her whenever he is bored or alone. Being alone can hurt sometimes real bad. And at times, its great to get that feeling of love or care, regardless of where it comes from, as long as the centre of attraction is him.
He has her tied to him like a puppy and thats what all that matters. Period.
You see, future is something he doesn't like to think too much, as long as he gets all the fun today. Whatever form and shape that may be, its enough to keep him amused.
Sometimes he wonders what he will feel had she fall for someone else.
He'll be darn jealous of course and no, with a love like hers, its unlikely that she will ever look at any other men but him.
"Ego booster" Thats what he calls her.
That explains it all.
.....
She loves to keep him holding on tightly to his belief and faith. A simple faith can do so much to a man. She knows what he thinks of her and his expectations. Men, its so much easier when they think they know everything there is to know. His pride is his nemesis, and she finds it fascinating how much he let it over-power him.
To him, she is no more than a love-struck, helpless maiden ready to do anything to gain even a small fraction of his heart, sympathy or care.
Her eyes plead for those tiny drops of emotion.
You see, she doesn't ask very much or all of it. Just a small fraction, a small thought..thats all she asks for.
He thinks that he doesn't give her anything, yet she knows.
And thats enough for her.
As she hangs up the call, she smiles to herself while re-touching her hairdo. Its perfect for the night, and yes, she looks beautiful. Her lovers are waiting on the door and she will decide which one will take her out.
....
They are so oblivious to their surroundings it amuses me. Each hiding the "truth" they lovingly clings on to.
Its another night for them to stand and play their part.
I sit back and look on...what can I say? I smile.

When Santa Died

2008-10-07T18:55:00.000+05:30

"Dear Santa, I have been really good the whole year throughout, so please this time give me what I want" She opened her neatly folded note and whispered next to the chimney. Santa rarely gave her what she asked, but she was confident this time around because she had been a really brave girl. She helped Grandma feed the chickens and Grandpa said she had been an angel. So you see, she really had every reason in the world to believe Santa would bring her the slippers with golden laces just like Marie’s and the red and white, yellow frocks that she saw in the shop next to her school everyday. Daddy said it was “kincer” that ate Mama’s hair away till they finally had to go to “Boombaiye” to kill the little lice on Mama’s head.
“Please Santa, bring hair for my Mama too” She ended her request.
She took out the biggest plate she could find and kept it next to her bed.
When Grandpa asked her to sleep, she refused saying that she had to wait for Santa because he was becoming too old and forgetful.
Then Grandma said, “If you don’t go to sleep now I will not tell you what happen to Aladin with his magic carpet lost”
She rushed straight to bed and slept next to Grandma. The princess was so far now and with the magic carpet lost, how could Aladin reach her?
“Grandma” she finally said while fighting her drowsiness as much as she could, “Don’t let Santa forget my prayer okay”
“Okay” Grandma said while kissing her forehead. “Go to sleep honey”
And she closed her eyes.
She was awaken by the angry whisper of Grandma.
“What do you mean you forget?”
“Poor child, what do we do now?”
Grandpa went out of her room and came back with a crumbled Rs. 10 notes.
“Its not good to leave without anything. And they should have sent her something too!”
They turned off the light and left the room.
She was too sleepy to get up, and went back to sleep as tears rolled down slowly from her eyes.
Santa died.
(If I have any spelling/grammatical mistake(s)...sorry guys..I hate it as much as you do..)

The First Time I steal

2008-10-07T18:02:00.000+05:30

“Shhh...don’t make a sound” she whispered as we filled our poly-bags with the finest rice in the house.
Granpa had brought them from the village which he explained to me in his big, deep and strong voice that it was the best that could ever be produced, and the villagers had to walk three mountains to reach the paddy-field. “So you see” he said as he put me on his lap in one strong lift “only special people like you can eat this rice.”
“Is it enough yet?” I whispered in return.
I didn’t want to carry such a heavy load all the way up to the top of the hill.
We walked stealthily and rushed as fast as we could till we were far from the house. It was only when we couldn’t see the house that she turned to me and smiled, “You are doing a good thing today and God will reward you.”
I nodded happily and no longer cared about the sweats that were wetting my face.
“Do you think mommy will come to know?” I asked her fearfully.
“Don’t worry. Nothing will happen. Besides they will be so happy”
And she continued to tell me about how our guardian invisible angels would be recording in our deeds book.
“So when you die, you will have a really big golden crown” She explained with all her 7 years old confidence.
I wasn’t so interest in the crown but really, if I could get Bicycle Barbie with long, golden hair in heaven I would be so happy.
“Gosh...No way!” She exclaimed and continued to tell me that in heaven there was no such thing as Barbie or anything we found here in this earth.
“But, it will be awesome, I promised you.”
I stopped thinking about heaven wherein everything I knew would be alien and just concentrate on being carried by the angels while they flied.
And we continued to walk on with about 5 kgs of our stolen rice towards the old man’s house in the hot sun. It was not an easy task to carry 2 kgs of stolen rice for a 4 years old all the way up to the top of the hill. But I didn’t argue or complain.
When we reached next to the old man’s house, she asked me to stop and wait. I did. We hid behind the tree at the foot of the green, beautiful hill where the old man was living. We didn’t know his name; all we knew was that he was poor.
“If anyone sees us, the angels will not bless us” I was warned.
The sky was really clear and blue except for the faint hint of cumulus clouds shaped like hundreds of cotton candies on the other side of the horizon and the taller grasses next to us were swaying gently to the breeze while I kept both my hands against my thigh to protect my skirt from flying.
We looked around to make sure that no one was there.
“Come, its time”
We hurriedly carried our stolen rice and knocked his door, thrice.
“That’s enough”
She hurriedly push me to go.
And we rushed all the way from the old man’s house on top of the hill.
“Don’t look back, he might call us back” She warned me.
Later, we spent the rest of the day chasing butterflies in our flower garden as we promised each other never to talk about our “good deeds”.

45% Angle View

2008-10-07T15:38:00.000+05:30

They were kissing passionately just as he was about to walk in the door and felt the same familiar stab right stirring inside him. Sweat filled up his forehead like vapour in the lid and took a long deep breathe to stop himself from rushing there and punched the man. He wanted to pull her away and showed the man just what hell was, he wanted... Suddenly he stopped. She turned towards him and smiled vivaciously. Her voice was light and her eyes were gleaming. God, she looked beautiful and he hated her with everything in him. He hated her.
“Hey there, what took you so long?”
She came and held his arms carelessly while throwing her head backwards in laughter at the sight of the man almost slipping down before exiting through the other door. She waved and blew kisses as he disappeared.
“You kissed him.”
He didn’t mean to say that word ever. No, he could have never, must never say that. Not after all what he had been through. He was through, completely through with the vicious circle of pain.
“So?”
“Your choice sucks”
“Ah, that includes you remember?”
He knew her well, knew her more than anyone he had ever knew, more than anyone who ever knew her, before or after him. When she didn’t want to answer, she wouldn’t. And no, it’s pointless to wait for an explanation. She never gave them at all, instead her reply would always be in the form of another hard questions.
They walked together down the dim-lit road and he felt such a strong emotion inside of him that it confused him.
“How dare she!” Silently he cursed her.
Suddenly, he stopped while she turned back looking confused.
“You okay? What happen?”
He didn’t reply.
He took her hand and held her. She only laughed and walked hand in hand with him like he was nothing but another friend from childhood. It hurt him more. She continued to talk incessantly about what happen in the day, and how funny the plastic wrapper looked under the street light, or how long it took her to dress up...
“And then, here we are..tara!!”
She exclaimed as if there was a great hidden treasure when they reached her doorstep.
“Say it, just say it” He silently wished.
“Okay, be careful alright. And thanks for dropping me home again.”
She turned around to go.
Before he knew it, he pulled her close to him and forcibly kissed her.
“Euuu!!”
She wiped her lips as if some disgusting particle had touched her lips. She still smiled while wiping the trace off with the back of her hand.
“Stay with me for a while”
He begged her. Again. Like a million times before and she did what she had done so many times. Declined.
Later, as he walked home, he was angry again. At her, at himself, at his girlfriend, at the world, at everything.
She wasn’t his anymore.
(For all those who find question, who search for answer, who wait for the end, who hope for a new beginning..yet who can't let go no matter how much they try and who credulously hold on to a mere shadow thats no longer there....)

The Name

2008-09-29T16:49:00.000+05:30

Today’s going to be the best day of his life
He has his biggest earnings of 50 bucks in his pocket
The coins’ on the left and papers’ on the right
The birds are singing and the sky’s so blue...
Papa loves his beedis after lunch
Marbles, sweets and lots of rice cakes
That’s what he will buy for his sisters and friends
And Mama can have her packs of bindis
She will look so fine with violet, pink or bright red on her forehead
And for the rest, oh he has to think...
Today, he’s so rich he can buy the world
His best friend Sumit waves from the other side of the field
He runs with the rhythm of the jingle in his pockets
As his hair bounces to the warm gentle breeze merrily
“STOP!”
A man shouts in the field afar near the tree
While crowd gathers with sticks and ploughs
Curious he runs towards instead while
Waiving at Sumit to do the same...
They both squeeze themselves to reach the front
And stare at each other with confusion
Papa is on the ground beaten by everyone
While blood oozes out of him like a water from a broken jug
Mama’s clothes are torn and jewels gone
While in place of her long, dark beautiful hair
Are tens of scissors shaving it off
Crying, pleading to the women and men to stop
His little sisters are not anywhere near
He starts to shake until his collapse to the ground
There’s just no one to make him understand why
His mind is numb with fear he never knew before
A man pulls him up and asks his name
“Da..Da..Daniel .”
His throat turns dry while everything around him swirls
“Its’ his son, kill him before their eyes as well!!”
They’re just too strong and his voice turns coarse
While they tied a rope around him
Papa and Mama are both held back and forced to watch him
“Help me, help me”
A man shoves a cloth in his mouth
And his voice drowns in the storm of the people’s shouts
As his frail body is filled with liquid from head to toes
He sees his friends watching him with fear
And struggles until they hit him on his head
He falls down while a warm blood runs down his face
A man lights a matchstick, he knows him well
Its Babuji he often helps carrying his tiffins and waters
He silently pleads and begs with tears in his eyes
“Today, we validate out stand against any opposition to our religion,
We shall not spare anyone who tries to stand in our way”
Kali Mata ki jay, Kali Mata ki jay...
As the yellow flames touch his naked skin
He screams to anyone, anywhere silently.....
While writhing in pain until he smells his own burning skin
His dying visions slowly blur to the thick clouds of burning flames
As he continues to scream silently
“Please help me, help me......”
............
(While we are fighting "terrorisms" in India, millions of our brethens are killing each other in the name of religion. What is religion if it brings fear instead of hope, tears instead of joy, death instead of life and hatred instead of love? The worst thing that a man can do is watch silently while a wrong is being done..How many innocent lives will pay while you sit there doing nothing?)

First Date

2008-09-29T13:54:00.000+05:30

Something about the air tonight
Makes me high for some reason
It’s wheeling a song I’ve forgotten long time ago
And as I try to shake it off, I take a deep breath
And enter the room to see you wait for me
Suddenly the lyrics flow through me
Like a water breaking from the dam
And I smile as we say “Hello”.
You search for words and look away
With a tiny loop of sweat just around your forehead
Shall I lean over to wipe ‘em off?
Instead we sit under the incandescent soft pink lights
We start to talk and get so lost
Till we realise nothing makes sense
And yet, we plummet deeper with nothing
To cushion the fall into the unknown world
For a while, I am afraid
Can you hear those whispers
What do they say?
Can you see them giggle
I wonder what’s so funny
Two people riding on the wings of light
Aren’t they afraid we’re trying to overtake their world
Or maybe they’ve been waiting all along
For someone like us
Can you feel the gleaming cascade upon our heads
That smells like dew on roses’ buds
Is it just me who sees the light
Then I turn to see you smile...

(Here's the beginning of a quest to the unknown world..I hope in the end, I win the gold..whatever that may be)

When it Burns

2008-09-26T17:54:00.000+05:30

I could hear the echo of my soul
More alone than it ever was
Defiantly braving this dying hope
You've broken what I cannot mend
And left a paragon of throes its place
Where my sinews of life is torn asunder
Like an abandoned ashes of dirt
Where reality is my nightmare
And my nightmare is your vicious joy
You rode in malice crescendo
To bring forth my doom
Till they ascribed to tear down my sky
And drove a spear right through my heart
While drops of blood poured like rain
Thousand days have passed
Yet I frost you in time
I waited like a spellbound maiden
Staring at the flames with emancipation
Like jewels from the goddess' very own crown
Lo, in midst of this storm
I waited still.

Suicidal Thoughts

2008-09-26T16:20:00.000+05:30

You wait for a savoir you’ve never seen
And wait for an answer to question you never know
You long for something you can’t explain
Constantly trying without knowledge
You fear the twinge yet plunge in reverie
Screaming behind your silence
Fighting beneath your composed calm
Hurting inside your merry laughter
You shut yourself within locked doors
And linger and stay…
Sometimes you curse, at times you bless
Till you no longer feel or comprehend
Blazing through what’s long gone
Like a flood over the dry desert
Sucking, swilling and gulping whatever remains
For a reason to start anew
Yet it remains
Incomplete, hollow, unreturned…
You look forward for tomorrow
To bring the change
And take you away
Yet with each sunset your hunger renew
You pray for a guide who never comes
They teach you all but not about you
And none understands the journey you take
They brand you names till they forget
And nothing is ever enough to prove your worth
Your hopes are fading, your soul is dying
Your strength is failing, and your spirit is tired
You need a rest, a place to just let you be
To be free and no longer be shackled
It no longer matters who wins
But just let you be right where you should…..

Memories

2008-09-25T18:36:00.000+05:30

He smiles and my heart flutters
We both play cool, there’s no reason to rush
Behind his nonchalant gait and raw pretences
Does he know how much it shows?
That taunts and teases and dares for participation
I’m nervous, oh timorously anxious
I need to breathe, take off my loads
His breath on my naked skin and feel of his lips
I can just close my eyes
And let him take me
To a wingless rapture beyond the stars
His hands slowly exploring
“Tell me you want it, that’s all”
I start to shiver not out of cold
Shall I let go, just for tonight??
My throat is dry and he looks chocolate
He’s so tender and oh knows all the right places
Then I look at us smiling back from the wall
I bleed again no matter how I fight
He asks me why, what can I say?
I love you still
I love you still.

Bawling At Work

2008-09-25T18:32:00.000+05:30

So today my boss scolded me
I couldn’t understand what to do with my project
“Just one minute, that’s all I ask” I begged him
He refused to explain and rubbed me off
“I don’t have a single minute, leave alone a second for you”
And what did I do?
I cried. No, I bawled. Beetroot nose, red eyes and river of tears.
My colleagues were shocked, no baffled to the extreme
“What’s wrong with her? That was so lame.”
Yet I cried my heart out.
I didn’t really care what they thought of me
I wanted to cry, I felt so bad
And I didn’t just stop there
I went to our head’s cabin
And just cried there in front of him
“I don’t understand and no one is explaining it to me”
He was this short- statured man, a perfectionist that everyone was scared of
But whatever it was, I did puzzled him
This was probably the first time since the firm’s incorporation
That someone went to him crying
He called up my boss over to his cabin
I know I was being really immature
I still cried long after I left the cabin
And now, I’m still not talking
If I were to feel ashamed tomorrow
So shall it be
But today, I’m going to continue to cry
Until I feel fine.

Cheated Lover

2008-09-23T19:03:00.000+05:30

The sun is setting to embrace
Yet another long night without you
Last night, my neighbour were drunk
So they stayed up whole night
But they had left for their friend’s home in the day
So it will be just me and the TV
I heard you’re sick and hospitalized
I was so worried I tried to call you
And dialled from a PCO to see if you’re fine
She picked up my call
And I came home sick instead
I should hate you for what you did
And say “Yes” to other men
Pick up the pieces and walk away
After all, I caught you on our own bed with her
While I went out looking for your birthday present
So how can I explain to my friends
That somehow I’m still waiting for your return?

Gracie

2008-09-23T18:02:00.000+05:30

Gracie, Gracie I beg of you
Please don’t take me wrong, but don’t hurt my man
Now don’t take for granted that all seems fine
He loves his hair so don’t touch it after he styled it
And never let him go out without a wallet chain
Though he seems clumsy and has a temper
He’s really gentle after he is down
He’s scared of lizards though he’ll never tell
So never call him when you see one
Kiss him on his neck just beneath his ear
And don’t open your eyes while you do....
He loves the Manchester United, so never disturb while they’re on
And his eyes blink fast each time he lies
He thinks he’s awesome when he dances so excuses yourself if you may but never tell
And yes, remember to listen to songs he sings for you
Although his voice is excruciating to hear
Don’t ever give him a reason to think
About the girl he loved and hated now
I know Gracie, he loves you now
So never hurt him for all times to come
He is my heart that walks the earth
So pray do I, don’t break my heart.
.........
(This is for all who have loved once and still does, but with no chance of ever going back again..what can I say, sometimes love just isn't enough and it goes on)

My Baby Brother,

2008-09-23T16:23:00.000+05:30

Do you remember when we were young
How we would play and share our dreams?
Remember those times we walked to school
And shared our tiffins and everything else we had
You would tell me your dreams
And I believed you then
I had love you with all my heart
And through the times they’ve only increase
Remember that day when I come with a black eye
Because I was out shielding you from the school bully
Nevertheless I was proud to be your elder sister
No matter what the world says
We grew up together bonded with love
Or that’s what I thought.....
Today you’ve hurt me not because you are wrong
But because you don’t trust me enough
To let me know you were fighting this substance abuse alone
What makes you think that I would have judge you?
You are my baby brother until the end
And now I have to watch you slowly fading away
To an enemy I would have killed for you
You say that it’s too late
And that you are sorry
But can’t you tell that I will never give up?
Coz there’s just no way will I stop holding your hand
Until we defeat and kill the beast
So don’t give up my baby brother
The fight is on, and we shall defeat.

Unfulfilled Love

2008-09-23T15:21:00.000+05:30

Running wild and fast to places I’ll never know
And shadows of tears everywhere you go
Your love is rocket pace and like a magic spark
On a gypsy woman’s handkerchief
That never stays long enough....
I have been warned and guarded from someone like you
But somehow you seep through like water
To where no one has ever been
I whine, I cry and God knows I try
This isn’t me hanging on to you
Praying for someone that’s never mine
You hold your stand and go your way
And maybe you’ll think of me in someway
When you pause to relive your escapades someday
How could I know how deep it’ll burn?
You cheated, you fooled and God knows what else
So why does this pain not turn into hatred
But this longings deeper than memories
You laugh and say that it’s all a dream
Tell me if that is so, why is my pain so real??

Addiction - For those who are addicted

2008-09-23T14:45:00.000+05:30

I failed again for the thousand times today
As my bloodied body lie motionless in the mud
I could see my freedom on the other side
Slowly fading away into the twilight
The taunts of my enemy fill the air
While they surrounds me with hatred in their eyes
I breathe in my last air of freedom
Before they take away my shield
And put a sword through my heart...
I can feel my life sliding into darkness
As my spirit defiantly fights back
My soul is weary, and hopes failing
How many times do I have to die
Before I get over you?
...................
(Freedom is never easy, but its the only thing worth fighting for)

To My First Love

2008-09-23T12:35:00.000+05:30

Your silent accusations and guarded heart
Self-validation of righteousness and victimization
Is that what you’ve chosen to replace your love with?
To turn your memories into a source of revenge
You close your ears to my definition of love
And brand me “Betrayer”, “Slut” and “Whore”
I watch the other side of you
Whose only desire is that I fall without you
And get what I “deserve”
I’m tired of explaining how I feel
That I love you still if not more
And you’ll never understand why I chose to walk away
To live with an empty heart and aching soul each day
You still believe in fairy-tales, happily-ever after
I can only hope that maybe you’ll understand one day
That love is not about chaining you
But letting you fly....

A Note to My Father

2008-09-23T11:54:00.000+05:30

I took Mama out on a date today
On what would have been your 23rd anniversary
She wore your favourite perfume and looked like an angel
Her hair was pulled back and she had this red-lipstick on
She was laughing with her eyes closed
And I remembered what you told me
“I first fell in love with her laughter”
Yes, daddy I was proud of her
We talked about everything except you
Coz your name makes her cries each time
And I never know what to do then...
So we pretended you were somewhere away...
She has trouble sleeping at nights
And we put all your pictures away
Sometimes I secretly take them out and speak to you
I tried my best to treat her like you did today
Daddy, how did you make her smile everyday?
I know it was rude not to come to your grave
But I didn’t want her to cry!
NO daddy, I am still your little brave girl
And she didn’t see my tears fall once
How did you celebrate it on your side daddy??

To my Superman, with Love

2008-09-23T11:31:00.000+05:30

When I was young, I looked upto him
I called him "My Superman"
And I was proud of the man who held my hand
He was indestructible in my eyes
Now as I look back
To what we called "Yesterday"
When he would hold and tucked me in at night
I wonder how time has passed
Coz that couldn't be such a long time ago...
Today, I walk with "My Superman"
I hold his hands and change his clothes
Kiss and tuck him in at night
I explain the world from the way I see it
While he look at me with the same pride
I used to have for him
And I wonder how fast things change
And as I watch him sleep on the bed
I silently wipe my tears from the thought of losing him.
I tell him to fight and live strong
He only smiles and nod his frail head
Yet one thing always remain the same
If not more
I love "My Superman"
And so does he.
I wish I can stop this time to hold him back
From crossing over to the other side
None of us know
He says that he's feeling ready
And my heart churns within me;
I take his hand and silently pray
For just another more day
With "My Superman"
Yet it is not to be...
And as I watch him slowly slipping away
I feel like my life is dying too
My soul cries watching him fight bravely
And then he utters softly
"I love you"
His last words that I will never forget
Daddy dearest, rest in peace.

being me.

2008-05-03T15:44:00.000+05:30

they say tht everything has a reason, that in this vast trasquility of time and space, that we are just a spec of dust fulifilling our roles as that has been given to us with the illusion of freedom, movement and courage that money cant buy. i wonder how far is that true, and that if it were, how much of me want to accept of revolt against that.
i live a life i called my own. i eat, sleep and do what i like in my own time and liking. i make friends with whom i like and leave whom despise. i have the world at the end of my finger-tips talking to people across the world in a speed of life, watch the news and feel the thrill of games that happens thousand of kilometres away inside the comfort of my home, snug up on ma bed with my favourite soft drink and a packet of chips. i go out in the evening to watch movies, dance or just shop around. and i feel like a princess out on a day.
i watch my friends from kinder-garden while their eyes turn red with envy and awe, at someone they used to taunt and laughed at long time ago. and i smile.
but is this is there is, or ever was or ever will be?
is this what ive dreamt each night i go to bed, and is this what i have worked so hard for, made thousands of sacrifices for?
what look so magnificient and glowing on the outside, what look so incredible and almost impossible to achieve...is this all there is??
the other day i looked at myself in the mirror. i wore the best hairstyle and the best of clothes, i wore thousands of worth gold on me and i looked good. i took all of it off slowly one by one, and watched as my reflection unfolded what was covered by everything that i could bought.
i tried to find out which one of these materials made me feel like gold. and i found out, i was still the same me even without the clothes or the fancy make-up or ornaments.
and there was just nothing new.
the only realisation that dawned on me was that i was happy just being naked and nude, but that whatever i wore, was just for somebody else, people i dont even know and probably willnt even talk to ever in my future.
i live for them, dress for them and try so hard just to look good in their eyes, materialise what they have in their dreams.
all for what?
where wealth is measured in the amount of hard rocks and shiny metals, commercial papers one has, where love is but the satisfaction of carnal desires, and emotions is but a game to be played by the wise, i guess no matter how much i try, i just dont fit in.
after a while, i get tired chasing papers and a name plate to be put in front of my office or house, some lousy alphabets that doesnt increase one minute of my life but of fake admirers and social butterflies. and i want to be just alone, anonymous and free.
to be who i really am.
to sit on a swing and sing in the loudest voice possible, sleep on a green, lustious mountain and watch the sky, take a dip in a freezing cold lake on a hot summer day, wake up in the afternoon and just take a stroll in a nearby park, not caring if my hair is in the right place or if my clothes are too revealing...be in my own world..away from everyone, every responsibility, expectations, and fly on white winged horse away high up in the sky....
......................
i dont know if i should be thankful for the gravity, that sucks not just our mortal body and all the things in it, but has the power to trap our mind too..i still learn how to cheat this gravity that pulls me down just when i rise up.
the other side of me is too practical to stay mid-air for long,
and the other side of me cant stop trying to spread her wings and fly.
i dont want to believe that we should be dissatisfied the rest of our lives, that we should pretend to smile when all we want to do is cry, that we should keep on fighting as long as we live...
people say the fall is bad, that it hurts and theres no way up..
ive always try to see the other side and ive been there. you still breathe there.
sometimes its good to fall coz thats when you look up and see exactly where you've missed to take ya steps...besides you can take a rest coz no one really expects you to get up so soon when you hit the bottom. ironically, you come face to face with who you really are out there, and know that you're no God, but you...beautiful, imperfect and weird. but you. and you embrace yourself.
.......
the world is waiting, the curtain is lifting and i have to go and put on a facade.
but ive kept me hidden somewhere safe, remote and far-away. i want her to be no part of this act that i play, and she is always hidden.
one day, i might find a mate for her to share her world...
and i might never..
but her illuminious world is so filled with things which cant be seen beyond, she can wait as long as i live....
thats being a part of me, and who she is

wen fun nite turns wild (my experience)

2007-08-27T17:39:00.000+05:30

so der r times wen i just wanna put on ma lil' black dress n jives up ma rather boring routine into one of those nites which u definetly dont want to rem, espicially on sunday morning in the church. and dose kinda feelin comes wen my fren calls me to have 'fun nite out' with her. she recently broke up wid her not-so-faithful boyfren once again wen dis time around, she found him bedding her roommate in her bed.
so we go out juz 2 make her feel she's all woman and hot, and starts club-hopping till we finally feel ready to pump it out in 'decible' club. while she finds herself surrounded by guys of all type, i find myself attracting the choicest of 2 really hot-gals around me. for some reason, i dont quite understand, i always happen to attract girls wen im not a lesbain. but they're hot, dance well and take turns to seduce me while all the other guys gawk at me till dey turn green, so i play along till about 1 am. i become quite bored with all the undivided attentions, so i leave the club and take picture of the surroundings instead.
on my way outside, i meet Ananya who insist to introduce me to her 'new hot-squeeze' named Rahul.we shake hands and exchange few pleasantries wen my fren Rani comes out from the club looking for me. i introduce Rani to Rahul and thats wen i smell trouble. the next thing i know, this guy keeps on following Rani like a lost puppy, clinging to her every word and ready to devour her every minute.
we become quite bored so we leave the club, but Rahul follows us with Ananya and offers us to give us lift. since i find something in his eyes, i keep quite and let my fren do the talking. she smiles and accepts the offer. its suppose to end there and then after they exchange phone numbers and the usual chit-chats, but this guy goes one step ahead by being over- inquisitive. by that time i want to go home and hit the bed, since i want to be ready for church the next day. i doze off for awhile and next thing i know, this guy starts to shout and drive madly. i remember seein the truck in front of us from the backseat, and he takes a cut to evade it only to find ourselves with another on- coming truck. he takes turn again, steps on the brake, steer the wheel...thr truck takes a big turn and we throw ourselves onto the sidewall. all i can remember is the last light before we hit the wall, and then everything happens like a dream. i hear a big bang and feel ourselves thrown in air, i can feel myself hitting the car-top, and then another, then another untill its finally over.
wen i open my eyes i find our car upside down and the smell of a gas, i try to open the door. it stuck, and i look around searching for my frens, for a way out. i can hear ppl screaming, 'GET OUT, GET OUT!!' i try to break open the window with my hands, but it cant break, and theres the glass particles everywhere on my face, which makes it more difficult for me to see. its dark and the smell of gas shoots right through my nostrils.
i keep on shouting, 'i cant come out, where's the exit? im stuck, im stuck '
at that moment, i dont even think about God or my family or anyone. ppl use to say that you think about everything wen you're about to die. well, i think about how ppl die stuck inside a burning car and i tell myself, 'this is it.'
i look around and cant find my frens, someone shouts at me to come out from the back window, i crawl towards it, when i notice i leave my shoes.
'HURRY, HURRY. THE CAR'S GONNA BLOW. HURRY'
i take one quick turn,, grab my shoes and crawl out. but ive become so weak that i just cant move fast enough. but someone pulls me out from there and i remember saying in my head, 'Gawd!! he touches my boobs!! he fucking grab me just about right there!!!'
then someone else help me, and they carry me far enough when i hear the loudest blast ive ever heard. i turn around to see the car thrown up in the air, and i scream, 'NOOOO....'
they let me sit on the pavement, and i can see my other two frens surrounded by ppl.
'they're fine, they're fine.' i keep telling myself.
i look down to see my jeans covered in blood and blood everywhere on my hands, dripping profusely down my denim half-pants. i touch my head, and starts asking ppl around me, 'im covered in blood, who's blood is it, who's blood?'
but the blast has been so loud and deafening that they cant hear me. i look down at my legs and see they're all covered in blood. i try to stand up, but feel too weak. someone puts me in their car and say, 'the police are coming. better get out from here fast.' i dont reply, but just hope that my frens are coming in too.
they do, and then we starts to go away from there. I look at my frens and they just keep quite staring at me. they were bleeding too, and i ask them if everyone is alright.
'dunno about Rahul. he's not here..dont even see him there.'
Ananya replies. she seems too dazed to reply me further.
the guys who help us take us to private doctor, and he says that i have minor cuts. i get 2 stitchings in my right arm and one on my right leg.
Rani comes in smilling and pat on my shoulder, i look up just enough to watch her roll her eyes and fall down unconscious. she hits her head again on the bed railing and blood starts to flow slowly out from her head.
(to be continued0